Dear 1922 Committee, I bet you weren't expecting to hear from me so soon

Dear 1922 Committee, I know! I wasn’t thinking I’d be back in touch with you so soon either. Sadly, it’s not good news.

I’m afraid it’s about the new prime minister. The one that only got elected at the beginning of this month. It seems that her critics were right when they said she was a f**king nutter.

I didn’t vote for her, I admit – Rishi gave me a spare Bentley – but I didn’t think she could possibly be as crackers as everyone was making out. After all she’s been in cabinet eight years and done jack-shit.

Little mousy woman, awkward public speaker, safe pair of hands, I thought. But it turns out my miscalculation was roughly on the level of Hindenburg appointing Hitler.

We’re not even through September and the pound’s being gangbanged on the international markets, affordable mortgages are more tightly controlled than crack cocaine, and Labour are so far ahead I can’t even see Angela Rayner’s VPL.

I know it will make the Conservatives look like a load of useless f**k-ups if we ditch another leader. I know we’ll lose the next election. Whatever. Compared to Truss, useless f**k-up losers looks pretty damn good.

The Tories are doomed, but we’ve been doomed before. We can make it back. But after two years of Truss there’ll be no Britain to come back to. We’ll be lucky to hold onto Wales.

Please consider this my letter of no confidence, though represented mathematically my confidence is a large negative number constantly adding digits.

Yours, a backbench MP albeit not for much longer.

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International Monetary Fund a bunch of f**king commies

THE International Monetary Fund are nothing but a bunch of hardcore anti-freedom Marxist-Leninists, Kwasi Kwarteng has stated.

Following criticism of his economic policies from the IMF, the chancellor has responded by calling them ‘the Red Menace determined to enslave Britain under their communist yoke.’

He continued: “Oh, they say they’re capitalist, and that they lend funds to failing economies, and they impose harsh free-market conditions like cutting corporate taxes and government spending. They say that.

“But IMF actually stands for International Marxist Front, and they’re run by Vladimir Lenin himself who is still alive on the dark side of the moon from where he plots with his agents in Britain: Jeremy Corbyn, Huw Edwards and King Charles.

“They know the UK is poised for amazing, system-breaking success like a greyhound in a trap. That their whole facade of holding capitalism back is about to collapse and their lies exposed.

“So they’ve hit out at us with this unprecedented, mildly-worded criticism which only proves we’re going in the right direction. We have to accelerate our programme. All corporation tax goes down to zero today.”

IMF leader Kristalina Georgieva said: “Okay, sure, I admit he got us. Wonder how he found out about Lenin?”