Being sacked is a lifestyle choice, Braverman told

THE former home secretary has been told that being fired is a lifestyle choice that she has knowingly made. 

Suella Braverman, who was dismissed before she even managed to reach work this morning, is expected to be perfectly happy with this turn of events as it was entirely due to her own actions.

Nikki Hollis of Clapham said: “I should think she’s really owning this. You wouldn’t get any complaints about unfairness, not from Suella.

“Having used her position to stir up hatred in volatile situations, spout shit about hurricanes of migrants but do piss all to stop them and punch her career in the metaphorical fanny by writing a poxy Times article, she can’t blame anyone else.

“Who knows when your talent will rise again, Suella? Perhaps you’ll be back in the job six days later like last f**king time. Perhaps you’re entertaining offers from leading broadcasters with viewers in the low three figures. Perhaps nobody cares.

“Now you can begin the groundwork to become next Conservative leader, with the minor caveats that everybody hates you and you’re provably shit at your job. Again, your choices.”

Tent dweller Martin Bishop said: “I can’t stop laughing, and I don’t think I ever will.”

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Aspiring GB News presenter disappointed she will first have to intern as Cabinet minister

AN Oxford graduate hoping to present on GB News is disappointed to learn she will first have to perform an entry-level role as a Cabinet minister.

Grace Wood-Morris, aged 22, who has a first-class PPE degree, applied to the broadcaster but was advised they only accept candidates who have served in at least one failed Conservative administration.

She said: “I knew I’d have to work my way up; maybe doing photocopying or taking Eamonn Holmes’s Krispy Kreme order. But to be told I’ll have to manage a ministerial portfolio is just demeaning.

“Admittedly it won’t be hard to get appointed given the competition, but do I really want to spend six months rubbing shoulders with the likes of Shapps and Jenrick?

“I’m young, I’m attractive, I should be yelling into cameras about wokeness ruining our Santa’s Grottoes, but instead I’ll be boxed in with a load of doomed losers hoping it doesn’t rub off.

“And it’s practically unpaid at about £150k a year. Peanuts compared to what you can earn shouting about trans Palestinians arriving in small boats or 15-minute cities causing cancer.

“I guess I’ll have to plaster on a fake smile and get through it. Maybe I can go so extreme right-wing I get fired. It’s worked for Suella.”