Wednesday, 30th September 2020

Boris Johnson holidaying in cottage and keeping mistress in tent

THE prime minister is holidaying in a remote cottage on the Scottish coast and keeping a mistress in a bell tent on the grounds. 

Boris Johnson, who hates staying on billionaires’ private islands in unimaginable luxury, is instead in a simple crofter’s cottage with his fiancée, baby and a young mistress staying in a tent 300 yards away.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “Boris erected the tent himself with the aid of four members of Special Branch, led the 22-year-old blonde there and spent fully 20 minutes camping before returning to the main house. 

“He visits the tent at least three times a day to check the guy ropes, no matter how adverse the weather conditions. He always comes back refreshed, ready to go, full of zip and zing and bounding toward a brighter Britain. 

“So he has kept his promise to the British people to go camping, and a Russian oligarch is anchoring his yacht offshore tomorrow so he’ll be able to get some business done.”

Tory voter Bill McKay said: “I shagged a bird in a tent once in 1985, so Boris is just like me. I completely trust him again.”