Dad secretly relieved son got fewer GCSEs than him

A FATHER privately punched the air when he learned that his son only got six GCSEs compared with his own nine.

Martin Bishop had been anxious for months that his son, Kyle, would exceed his own tally and thereby prove himself the most intelligent male in the house.

But even after the government U-turn and teacher assessments, it turned out that Kyle still failed three of his exams, a source of great joy to his dad.

Bishop said: “Like any father, I offered my son a consoling hug and told him I was proud of him. Only when he went off to meet up with friends did I let out a massive ‘YESSS!’.

“I worked hard for my GCSEs and it would have cheapened my achievement if my apathetic, smartphone-addled pipsqueak of a son had outshone me.

“He seemed to be knuckling down at one point, which concerned me. So I told him, ‘Son, lighten up, go and have a drink with your mates. Maybe every night.’ And he did.

“So what? He won’t go to Hallam ‘university’ to graduate in Adele Studies, boo hoo. I win.”

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How are you being a twat about Eat Out To Help Out?

ARE you determined to use your food discount to be a pain in the arse to other customers and staff? Here’s how to do it. 

Have unrealistically high expectations

Going for a £10 burger meal in a pub? Act as if you’re paying £500 at a Michelin-starred restaurant. Demand a window seat and start shouting if you don’t get onion rings and half a dozen relishes. Basically be a poundshop Michael Winner but without the awful films.

Be a dick about getting things for free

There’s nothing more tedious than a triumphant tightarse. Please shut up about how you had a massive lasagne on Monday for £1, a medium Margherita for free on Wednesday, etc. Especially if it’s the third time you’ve mentioned it that evening.

Be incredibly rude

All of the following are good to mark you out as a twat:

● Clicking your fingers at serving staff, maybe with a cheerful shout of “Oi! Garcon!”. 

● Complaining about non-problems, such as a microscopic smear on a water glass, to show what a big man you are.

● Creepy ‘bantz’, eg. “Bet you’ve got a few boyfriends?” every time the waitress comes to the table.

These will guarantee that one element of your meal definitely comes free – a nice big glob of spit.

Spread coronavirus for the sake of cheap food

Ignore social distancing while queuing to get in and jostle others in your eagerness to feed. Once inside, get way too close to other customers as you get more napkins and ketchup sachets. Potential death versus a free glass of Diet Coke? No contest.

Attempt to game the system

There’s no limit to how many times you can use the discount, so why not have an unhealthy 12 meals a day? Tell people about this brilliant scam. They’ll think you’re a twat, but you won’t realise, because you’re such a twat.