YESTERDAY, I unveiled my grand new plan to end immigration forever. Yet people kept asking me about Brexit? Why, when it was unrelated to immigration in any way?
I suppose some of my Brexit campaigning, if anyone even remembers, touched on how terrifying it would be to live next door to Romanians with posters showing an endless queue of scary brown men. You could make inferences from that.
But did I say the exact words, ‘If Brexit wins, I hereby commit myself to reducing immigration by a specific quantifiable amount’? No, I did not and you can Google it.
If you’d paid attention, you’d realise Brexit was largely about pretending it was World War 2 again and blue passports mattered. Only idiots would think such childish jingoistic posturing was an actual policy on immigration, and Brexiters were not idiots.
So that settles the question of whether Brexit was anything to do with immigration. It wasn’t. And that’s a bloody good thing because I need to devote all my energy to Britain’s newest existential threat: immigration.
Britain is under invasion by men in dinghies, so I propose mass deportations. No ifs, no buts, and also no hows, where and what will it cost. Just get good old Tommy Atkins to round the buggers up and we’ll sort it while ignoring all human rights laws.
Of course we can’t really do that, because of courts and only having four MPs. But as we learned from Brexit, a successful policy is vague enough for anyone to project upon. Does anything real and tangible need to happen? Not as far as I can see.
I resent any suggestion that I have somehow ‘failed’ the nation on immigration. 21 years as an MEP and then elected to parliament? I’d call that a resounding success on immigration, immigration numbers aside.
So let’s end all this Brexit talk. It’s done, get over it, the whole massive rise in small boats immediately following is a coincidence talked up by the liberal media. And let’s focus on my new plan to stop immigration which will definitely work for me.
