SEX is widely regarded as extremely enjoyable, unless it’s with you. In which case these activities are suddenly much more appealing:
Cleaning the bathroom
Usually, the carnal joy of physical human intimacy outstrips the drudgery of bleaching the toilet. But when your O-face becomes part of the equation, that changes. Vigorously scraping mould from the grout not only works up a sweat, it comes with an actual payoff. You can even pop on a pair of Marigolds if you’re feeling kinky.
Visiting the dentist
Trips to the mouth doctor are dreaded. The discomfort of a stranger rootling around in your mouth with a little mirror while jabbing your gums, and the indignity of being handed a bill for the ordeal? Ugh. Compared to the prospect of shagging you though, even an extraction is preferable. It’s oral and makes you gag and spit, but for a reason.
Paying taxes
HMRC taking bites of your pay is painful at best and life-ruining at worst. However, shuddering at the thought of sex with you puts it into perspective. Suddenly our British institutions like the NHS and town halls are at the forefront of any prospective partner’s mind and a quick shag with you banished to the back. God bless HMRC.
Watching paint dry
Held up as the height of boredom, the subtle thrill of watching a matt coat acquire its finish becomes obvious when your genitals are the alternative. It becomes an exercise in mindfulness and relaxation: see how the finish gradually hardens and eventually loses its initial glossy appearance? Your missionary thrusts can’t compete with that.
Work
Work can often feel stressful and pointless. When you’re not performing monotonous duties you’re dealing with knobheads, all for pay that barely stretches to necessities. But eight hours in the office or two minutes banging you? No contest. You get to surf the internet during the former and sometimes someone brings a cake in.
