Brexit totally worth it if you really like fish, says Gove

THE Brexit fixation with taking control of our fish supplies is great news for people who cannot get enough fish, Michael Gove has explained.

The environment minister said the loss of companies like Airbus, 10-mile queues at Dover and a recession were a small price to pay for anyone who is partial to a nice bit of cod.

Gove said: “Once we’re free from the EU, we’ll be able to eat as much fish as we like. Egg and fish for breakfast, fish bolognaise for dinner – even a fish latte on the way to work.

”We’ll have so much fish we’ll probably change our currency from the pound to fish. Who needs those annoying plastic £10 notes when you can just pop a few haddock in your pocket?

“Of course, the collapse of the economy will mean a portion of fish and chips will cost £37 in real terms, but that’s just Brussels trying to punish us because those weirdoes prefer ‘frites’ and mayonnaise.

“It’s not about the money, it’s about remembering the millions of brave Britons who died in the cod wars with Iceland in the 1970s. It brings a tear to my eye just imagining it.”

Gove went on to describe chip shop customers who preferred a battered sausage as “the worst kind of traitors”.

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Woman who knows she has no money still shocked when card is declined

A WOMAN who was aware her bank account was empty was still somehow shocked when her card was rejected.

Nikki Hollis, who ran out of funds three days before payday, still crossed her fingers for luck and whispered “come on, go through” when attempting to pay for drinks at the pub.

Office worker Hollis said: “I was sure that somewhere between the walk from the cashpoint, which told me I was £7 overdrawn, and the pub, that my financial circumstances would have changed.

“Who’s to say in those 15 minutes I didn’t get paid early, or get an unexpected rebate or gift?

“Until I tried to buy a round there was no way of knowing that hadn’t happened. It was Schrodinger’s bank account.

“Obviously I wasn’t expecting my card to actually get declined, or I wouldn’t have let them pour all the drinks so my mate Laura had to pay for them to stop us getting kicked out.

“God, how embarrassing. I think I’ll go shopping to cheer myself up.”