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Britain well up for demonising pensioners

THE UK has confirmed it is ready to loathe freeloading pensioners bleeding us dry with their f**king triple locks the moment they are given the word. 

As even Tories begin to doubt the wisdom of making the least productive sector of UK society the richest, the country is preparing for a hate campaign against these beige leeches from which they will never recover.

Hannah Tomlinson of Hitchin said: “As a millennial, I’ve already spent years whipping up online mobs against anyone older than me with incorrect opinions. I couldn’t be readier.

“And these grey-haired f**ks, squatting in their big houses squandering NHS resources while lapping up racist AI content and voting as far right as they’re physically able? They’ve had it coming for a long f**king time.

“They make me sick with their their winter fuel payments and their uncritical adoration of Richard Osman. Our country’s going bankrupt so they can go to over-60s Aquafit and buy bedding plants? F**king boomers. Kill them all and cancel Call The Midwife.”

22-year-old Jordan Gardner agreed: “They’re dead weight, and now we’re introducing a new tax just for their care? Bollocks to that. Instead of bringing their care workers over here, how about we ship the lot of them to Rwanda? And further.”

Prime minister Andy Burnham said: “Well, this is most fortuitous in terms of budgets for the next three years.”

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'New here' means 'recently dumped': common dating app terms translated

NEW to dating apps? Confused by the phrases all the long-term singletons who long ago lost all faith in love are using? Find your way with this guide: 

‘New here’ means ‘Recently dumped’

Dating apps are haunted by the sad, lonely wraiths of society doomed to never find companionship. Nobody stumbles in happily, no matter how cheerfully it’s phrased. Being new to a dating app means a previous life of happiness has imploded and now you’re in the trenches of loneliness with everyone else in the radius you’ve arbitrarily set.

‘Want children’ means ‘You are a means to an end’

Taken at face value, someone saying they want children is refreshingly straightforward. But look closer. The singleton in question is edging toward 40. There’s a manic glint in her eye which suggests this is her last roll of the dice. If you meet up, she will be trying to harvest your genetic material within hours, once you’ve provided proof of earnings.

‘Figuring out my dating goals’ means ‘I want to shag around’

Everyone has a decent idea of what they want out of a relationship. If someone says they’re still figuring it out, it means they want to up their body count before they settle down. Unfortunately in this case he’s a balding man in his early 40s called Darren, so he has to dress up his urges so women don’t realise.

‘Looking for long-term relationship, open to short’ means ‘I’m desperate’

Being open to anything is to admit you’re scrambling. They want a committed relationship for life, but they’re so starved of love that they’ll settle for a couple of dates and hoping you’re so impressed by their oral skills you’ll tumble into marriage. An easy lay if you’re so inclined, but expect tears after. Or during.

‘I don’t take life too seriously’ means ‘I am insufferable’

This harmless phrase suggests a zest for life, surely? Wrong. People who use this are non-entities who think going for a Sunday roast counts as a spontaneous adventure. They also usually claim to not be political, which means they’d be the first person to report you to the secret police should fascism get going again.

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