GHISLAINE Maxwell is clearly being prepped to give an account of Trump and Epstein’s friendship that exonerates the president. Here’s the new version of events she’s probably working on right now.
‘Trump never visited Epstein Island’
Trump is adamant that he never visited Jeffrey’s private island. Which could actually be true, because I don’t remember seeing him there and you’d tend to remember a house guest who appeared to have come dressed as an Oompa-Loompa who wouldn’t shut up about ‘pussy’.
‘But Democrats did’
Democrat politicians definitely visited the island because they are all sick perverts. They were: Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Kamala Harris, Gavin Newsom and Jimmy Carter. Plus some obscure ones whose names Donald’s lawyer forgot to bring to our meeting.
‘No one had any clue what Jeffrey was doing’
At his various properties, Jeffrey kept his sex crimes completely hidden from everyone by using the clever ploy of doing them in a different room with the door shut. If Donald asked what he was doing in there with several scantily clad young women, Jeffrey would say he’d started a Zumba class. So as you can see, the only crime Donald is guilty of is being too trusting.
‘Trump just read a book at parties’
Jeffrey and Donald are often pictured together at glitzy parties full of beautiful women. This gives a misleading impression. Donald would normally find a quiet corner to indulge his greatest passion: literature. There he’d be, completely engrossed in Jane Eyre or The Handmaid’s Tale and not having sex with minors at all. If he did interact with a woman, it would only have been to ask if Midnight’s Children was worth reading or a bit heavy going.
‘Donald just wanted the girls to succeed at towel-folding’
Much has been made of Jeffrey recruiting girls at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago mansion. But the entirely innocent reason why this occurred is simply that Donald wanted them to grasp every career opportunity in the lucrative but highly competitive field of towel-folding.
‘Donald prefers older women’
Trump once confessed to me that he prefers slightly older women, such as Sigourney Weaver, Monica Bellucci, or indeed his beloved wife and soulmate Melania. For me that is proof that he never had sex with teenage girls, because no man would ever have sex with someone they’re not that into. It just doesn’t happen.
‘Trump once saved girls from sex-crazed Joe Biden’
At one of Jeffrey’s parties, Joe Biden was drunkenly molesting women. Donald bravely squared up to Biden, who is supernaturally strong for his 82 years, and said: ‘Leave them alone, you beast!’ Biden refused to comply, and Donald was forced to knock him out with a single punch. I admit this particular event does seem somewhat implausible, but I’ve got my orders.
