Don't go thinking this is about you, Lib Dems told

THE Lib Dems have been warned not to think their by-election win in North Shropshire means they are popular or anything. 

The 34.2 per cent swing to the party, who took a previously safe Conservative seat by almost 6,000 votes, follows their victory in June’s Chesham and Amersham by-election which was also nothing to do with them. 

Voter Norman Steele said: “It looks, on paper, like a triumphant Lib Dem resurgence. It isn’t. I should know, I voted for them. 

“The Lib Dems are here, as ever, the placeholder party. Nobody knows what they stand for and it doesn’t matter. They are a repository for protest. 

“This constituency’s going straight blue again the minute the Tories get rid of that insolent haystack-haired partying lout. Farming folk don’t change their minds in a hurry. 

“All that’s happening is the Lib Dems once again fulfilling their sole function: to be a party that is neither the Tories or Labour.” 

Lib Dem leader Ed Davey said: “I am Ed Davey. I am the leader of the Lib Dems. I am, honestly.

“This is a stunning victory which means we’ll say a load of embarrassing shit about forming the government, then go back to total obscurity with three MPs or whatever it is.” 

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The Boris Johnson guide to fatherhood

BORIS Johnson is getting to know his new baby, Romy, and desperately trying not to think about the disastrous by-election result. Here he gives his advice on being a great dad. 

Spend time with them

Invest time in this vital parental bond. Two or three minutes a day should do, or get one of your snivelling yes-man ministers to do it. Yesterday I got Raab to sit there going ‘ga ga, goo goo’ for two mindless hours. Actually he really enjoyed it and didn’t want to stop.

But don’t tell them about ‘the other ones’

To be honest, there might be dozens of siblings out there, but that’s no reason to make the latest batch feel less cherished. Anyway, they should just be grateful they didn’t pop out of that American bint. 

Choose a name carefully

Stupid Carrie has insisted on boring, sensible Romy Iris Charlotte. I prefer the sort of names I gave my other kids, like Lara Lettice and Cassia Peaches. Everyone will remember them and the bullying will toughen them up. But most importantly they show that I’m a hilarious, zany, don’t-give-a-shit kind of guy. 

Expect sleepless nights

A new baby means you’ll want to get away from it as much as possible. Your partner will go ballistic when you get in pissed at 1am again and moan on into the small hours, leaving you permanently tired. But when you have kids, it’s part of the deal.

Prepare for the ‘birds and the bees’ conversation

When they get older the sprog will ask where babies come from. Be honest but age-appropriate, eg. ‘When daddy loves mummy somewhat he still gets a tingle in his trouser snake and has to make a baby with another lady because condoms are like wearing a trainer on your donger.’

Learn to change a nappy 

And I mean ‘nappy’ in the singular. I did it once in 1993 so I’m not technically lying about having done it, and it makes a funny story for Have I Got News For You if you massively exaggerate.

Teach them Latin

A dodgy knowledge of Latin really helps you bluff your way through life. As the Greek writer Tetrapak said ‘Quo vadis theodolite ipsos allegro sum’, which means ‘He who laughs last has no time to die’, I think.