Driving to Barnard Castle not the most bullshit excuse you’ve ever heard anymore

DRIVING to Barnard Castle has been overtaken by looking up tractors and being ambushed by porn as the worst excuse you have ever heard.

The reigning champion of shittest justification ever has been knocked off the top spot by Neil Parish’s claim that he was looking up tractors when he was surprised by pornographic images.

Martin Bishop from Daventry said: “Dominic Cumming’s bullshit excuse that he was driving to Barnard Castle to test his eyesight had a good run. And to be honest I thought it had a couple more years in it.

“I mean, how do you top getting behind the wheel with your wife and child when you’re not sure you can see? Somehow though Neil Parish has pulled it off, and to him I say bravo.”

Mary Fisher from Kendal said: “He must have been up all night honing the ridiculousness of that excuse. I just hope he took a moment to congratulate himself when he struck upon the idea of combining porn and agricultural vehicles. It’s genius.

“An infinite number of monkeys hammering away at an infinite number of typewriters could never come up with an idea so hilariously bad, yet he made it look effortless.

“He should be given a knighthood. Or sacked for being a pervert. Could go either way, given the current state of the Tories.”

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Three bikes in the bath: the grim as f**k student houses you lived in

WHILE you look back fondly on your university days, you lived in some disgusting houses. These scenarios will be all too familiar:

Futon in the sitting room

To the tightfisted landlord, everywhere can be a bedroom with a little bit of ingenuity. Losing sleep waiting for your housemates to finish playing Mario Kart at 2am each night before you could fold out your uncomfortable little bed at least gave you an excuse for your awful grades.

Three bikes in the bath

If you live in a third floor flat without a balcony, you need to be resourceful with storage. So after stumbling over all of your bikes in the hall for several weeks, the bath seemed a good spot to keep them. Showering without the grazing your shin against a razor-sharp pedal is overrated anyway.

Hole in the roof

For the first four months of your new tenancy, you’re either too pissed or too hungover to bother to wonder why the house is freezing and there is an insistent drip from the ceiling. However, when you finally make the the effort to open the hatch to the attic, you see a big patch of sky where tiles should be. It takes you another four months to inform the landlord, by which time you’re about to leave anyway.

New, frightening species of mould

After turning the heating off when you all go home for Christmas, you return to find large patches of weird, wonderful and terrifying-looking mould blooming on the walls. Rather than dealing with it in a sensible manner, you simply tape posters over it, get some beers in and pretend you aren’t going to be inhaling potentially deadly spores for the rest of the year.

Rodent flatmates

Your human flatmates are annoying, grubby little bastards, so why not welcome some more in the form of mice and rats? You refuse to call in an exterminator as it will cost money you could be spending on weed, and instead get so used to your new furry friends that you end up naming them when you’re stoned.