Ed Miliband still searching for his Kinnock-in-the-sea moment

ED Miliband has admitted that he’s still looking for the moment that will indelibly define him as a bell-end. 

While unveiling a statue to commemorate next week’s 30th anniversary of Neil Kinnock falling into the tide like a fucking clown, Miliband said he’s hopeful his own landmark humiliation will arrive soon.

He continued: “Inevitably I’ll somehow manage to lose the election against a group of people pretty much everyone hates, just as Kinnock did.

“But it would be dreadfully embarrassing not to have a signature moment of idiocy on which to blame my loss.

“Maybe I will walk into a street sign and hurt my groin, or go arse-over-tit on some discarded fried chicken. Who knows, you just have to let these things happen organically.”

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Britons urged to learn foreign

A NEW campaign is urging Britons to improve their grasp of foreign.

THE 1,000 Words of Foreign campaign hopes to challenge the assumption that people from the UK are lazy linguists.

A spokesman said: “Standards have slipped but it’s not too late. Foreign is a really interesting language and includes many words you already you, like ‘pizza’ and ‘garcon’.”

27-year-old Tom Logan said: “Jesus, I only know about 80 words of English and now they want me to learn foreign?

“It’s not like when I go on holiday I want stimulating cultural discourse with local people and learn about their way of life.

“I just want to get pissed.”