Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The finale of Dexter sees him killed by the bloke who used to sell him his arrows. Fairly obvious bit of casting for that role.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You wondered whether Moyes could replicate his Everton form at United. With seven points after six games, I think the answer’s yes.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Don’t be hard on yourself, you’re not the world’s worst person. In fact you’ve barely scraped the top 20 worst people.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
No word from Universal Pictures about your biopic of baseball player Ty Cobb which focuses on his series of one-night stands called Humpty Dumpty.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Bad news as you install IOW7 rather than IOS7 on your phone and now if you want to send a message you have to wait for the hourly ferry from Portsmouth.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
For the last month the top lenses in your bifocals have been broken, meaning youve been unable to read internet articles, just the comments underneath. As a result youve assumed everyone on the planet has had a serious head injury.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Cats, theyre just like little human beings, arent they? Especially you, you lazy, hairy, freeloading arsehole.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Youve put the heating on for the first time since April. Not because it’s cold but because youve spent the last six months saving up to pay for it.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week, why not improve your election chances by wearing a t shirt with Michael Goves face and the caption This prick isnt one of ours on it?
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Apparently its bad form during a marriage guidance session to say If they tried to charge me bedroom tax Id be due a sodding rebate.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Its not a Retro Pop Up Street Food Experience, its a hot dog van.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
All rights reserved, including the one to PAAAAARRRRTYYYYYY!