Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
The finale of Dexter sees him killed by the bloke who used to sell him his arrows. Fairly obvious bit of casting for that role.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You wondered whether Moyes could replicate his Everton form at United. With seven points after six games, I think the answer’s yes.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Don’t be hard on yourself, you’re not the world’s worst person. In fact you’ve barely scraped the top 20 worst people.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
No word from Universal Pictures about your biopic of baseball player Ty Cobb which focuses on his series of one-night stands called Humpty Dumpty.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Bad news as you install IOW7 rather than IOS7 on your phone and now if you want to send a message you have to wait for the hourly ferry from Portsmouth.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
For the last month the top lenses in your bifocals have been broken, meaning you’ve been unable to  read internet articles, just the comments underneath. As a result you’ve assumed everyone on the planet has had a serious head injury.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Cats, they’re just like little human beings, aren’t they? Especially you, you lazy, hairy, freeloading arsehole.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’ve put the heating on for the first time since April. Not because it’s cold but because you’ve spent the last six months saving up to pay for it.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week, why not improve your election chances by wearing a t shirt with Michael Gove’s face and the caption ‘This prick isn’t one of ours’ on it?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Apparently it’s bad form during a marriage guidance session to say “If they tried to charge me bedroom tax I’d be due a sodding rebate.”

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It’s not a Retro Pop Up Street Food Experience, it’s a hot dog van.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
All rights reserved, including the one to PAAAAARRRRTYYYYYY!

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Love Hearts legally binding

THE High Court has ruled that any exchange of Love Hearts sweets constitutes a legal contract.

Judges ruling in the case of Donna Sheridan vs Wayne Hayes found that he had, as she maintained, entered into obligations to call her, give her a sweet kiss and to be gorgeous.

Hayes, now 24 and married with a child, fulfilled none of those promises. He must now go on a date with Donna to the local park where, after a mandatory three swigs of Mad Dog 20/20, he is obliged to snog her.

LawyerSusan Traherne said: “There’s always been a degree of ambiguity surrounding Love Hearts which has been exploited to make promises of For Keeps and Heart Throb to which the giver had no intention of adhering.

“This ruling, which is retrospective and covers the last 30 years, means that teenage boys will no longer be able to claim giving a girl Cuddle Me was just the luck of the packet.

“It also means that Julian Cook is obligated to take me, 23 years on, to the school disco and to do the Macarena with me on the dancefloor. And he has to get off with me afterwards or I will issue proceedings.”

The ruling has caused widespread panic, with anyone over 25 struggling to remember who exactly they gave Lush Lips, Dream Boy, Catch Me or Tickle Monster.

The UK’s teenagers remain largely unaffected, preferring to use What’s App and Snapchat to send each other sexually explicit images.