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Fellate Paddington: How Sunak can claw back his patriotic credentials

SUNAK hates Britain and backed the Nazis during World War Two, most Britons now believe. This is what he must do to show he’s a hardcore flag-shagger: 

Blow Paddington

Collective delusions around Paddington and our late Queen mean he’s now considered to be our very own Grim Reaper, ushering deceased patriots to an afterlife of cucumber sandwiches and warm beer. And he’ll be ushering the Tories there unless Rishi drops to his knees and shows he loves immigrants and British icons equally and orally. Wins round Lib Dems, wins round Reform, everyone’s happy, especially engorged Peruvian bears.

Walk around the Downing Street garden to raise money for the NHS

The only functioning funding model for the NHS is the infirm on their last legs staggering around back gardens to national acclaim. Rishi qualifies, so a walking frame and a repetitive totter will see him returned to the nation’s hearts and Michael Ball doing some kind of pissing duet with him. Then when he’s won he can say ‘f**k you’ with a pool and spa.

Burn his Green Card

The prime minister claims he will remain in the UK even if nothing but a lowly backbencher, which makes it weird he still had a green card for the US until 2021. Burn it live on TV, promise to get a job in Greggs if he loses his seat, call Californians ‘a bunch of liberal pricks’ and Google ‘search wankers’ and bask in the nationalist glow.

Make every remaining D-Day veteran a lovely cup of tea

Every cub scout, to prove he was dedicated to civic service, has made a reluctant old person a bad cup of tea. If the prime minister truly want to atone for abandoning them on the beaches, he’ll have to go around to every last care home, brew up and listen to rambling memories as if he really cares. He may also have to take them to the toilet.

Throw a chair outside a German cafe

In less than a week, England’s bravest and brightest – the successors to our veterans – will be tanked up in Gelsenkirchen throwing plastic chairs across a peaceful square in celebration of England playing Serbia. The least Sunak can do is paint a St George’s cross on his face and join them, being proudly arrested and deported for his country.

Resign

What could embody the spirit of D-Day more than sacrificing oneself for the greater good of the nation? If Sunak really wants to show he has the country’s best interests at heart, he can prove it and f**k off.

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How to make the theme of your wedding 'Haha, f**k you, I'm married and you're not'

GETTING married? Invited unmarried friends just to rub their shameful single noses in it? These little touches will send them home weeping that they’ll die alone: 

Readings

It used to be religious. But now every couple wants to share their story with a series of cutesy readings. Take the opportunity to pick texts which focus on the love, security and double income that marriage provides. Emphasise how unhappy you were without eternal fidelity, tax breaks and a boost to your credit rating. Mime weeping to hammer it home.

Photocollage

Ride the fashion for displaying photos of the happy couple around the venue by demonstrating how your pooled wealth has enabled skiing in Aspen and the seven-star suite in Dubai where he proposed. While having a wedding registry which condemns single guests to a week at Bognor Regis Butlins. Keep photos of you young and fresh to emphasise that it’s too late to find love now.

A single women’s table

Doesn’t matter if they’re bringing friends, if they’re cousins, if they know everybody; seat them on a table together like lepers of love. They’ll be more comfortable than with couples, their noses pressed up against the glass of the joy and commitment they’ll never know. And putting all the cat-owning spinsters in one place makes it easier to sneer.

Patronise

Really flaunt your happiness. Pop over to the single ladies’ table, ring held high, to say ‘Hello my girls, hope you’re not too lonely over here!’ to accept their teeth-gritted congratulations. Add ‘look at you, all empowered, no need for a man! I really admire your independence!’ to underline how pitiful they are.

Instruct the photographer

Your photographer will be roaming the venue, taking shots of happiness and love. The unmarried have neither, so make sure your photographer is warned so they don’t appear haunting the record of the occasion like wan, solitary ghosts. Ask them to remove themselves from group shots if necessary. They should leave no trace.

Abandon subtlety

They’ll be pretty drunk by the end – it’s the only solace they have – so when driving away from the venue, go old school and put the addendum ‘And you’re not!’ under the ‘Just Married!’ sign on the back of your car. Drive away slowly.

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