Fill me with your babies, Rishi: Another toe-curling column about Sunak

By Times columnist Donna Sheridan

I’M allegedly an adult woman and a serious journalist, but I think I speak for all the ladies when I say: shag me, sexy Mr Chancellor, and fill me with your little Rishis.

Rishi just has this effect on women. All my female friends, who I’ve made up for the purposes of this column, agree they’d sleep with him. We just can’t resist his dashing good looks and mysterious accountant’s eyes.  

He’s part financially astute chancellor, part James Bond and part Jesus. Although he’s better than Jesus, who always struck me as a socialist Corbynite idiot. Rishi knows how to really help the poor – by cutting their Universal Credit and freeing them from state handouts.

I know I don’t stand a chance with someone literally perfect in every way like Rishi, but I can dream. And those dreams get pretty steamy, with me on top and everything.

Why do I write this drivel? For the money, obviously, but I’ve started to convince myself I do actually want to shag Rishi. I started speculating about his ‘impressively large, commanding penis’ earlier, but my editor doesn’t like reading about men’s cocks.

I’ll admit the whole ‘Dishy Rishi’ thing is a bit strange. I can write 800 words about a dull, completely ordinary-looking Tory clone having ‘George Clooney looks and bags of charisma’ and no one says, ‘You mean that gangly right-wing twat Sunak? What the f**k are you on about, Donna?’

It could be because columnists love to hop on every bandwagon, no matter how stupid. Come to think of it, I did write a piece in 2019 entitled ‘What Britain desperately needs now is some bloody good Boris belly laughs’.

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Millions from journalism and public speaking: The destitution that awaits Boris Johnson

BORIS Johnson will surely soon be deposed as PM, leaving politics in shame and disgrace. Here’s what the remainder of his wretched, penniless existence has in store for him.

Columns in the Spectator and Daily Telegraph

Instead of unfairly being made to pay some sort of attention to governing the UK, Johnson will be reduced to spaffing out 800-word columns of well-crafted bilge for Tory outlets before going back to bed for the rest of the day.

Highly lucrative public speaking engagements

Alas, no more traipsing up and down the country to gladhand NHS staff barely able to conceal their loathing. Instead the grim fate of being paid at least £30,000 to entertain drunken, bow-tied sociopaths after dinner with 15 minutes of well-rehearsed Boris banter he could probably reel off while unconscious by now.

Strictly Come Dancing

Gone are the happy days of hiding in fridges or on car floors to evade scrutiny. Now Johnson will face the gruelling rehabilitation of having to galumph around for a week or so to the Lambada for 20 times a nurse’s yearly salary.

Appearing on Have I Got News For You

No more being mocked as a hopeless sack of shit by newspaper cartoonists – Johnson will be taking the piss now, just not by being a terrible prime minister. He won’t get off unscathed from those bastards Merton and Hislop, but it’ll be worth it for the cash. Especially for someone with such a massive ego they don’t mind getting stuck on a zipwire looking like a Benny Hill character.

Spending more time with his family

The dream of every overworked dad in the UK. In Johnson’s case it’s actually a cruel and unusual punishment, as he’ll have to go to the effort of remembering all their bloody names.