George Osborne to announce cuts while covered in diamonds

GEORGE Osborne is to announce multi-billion pound service cuts with more than 16,000 white diamonds glued to his body.

The chancellor is upping his game in response to the Prime Minister’s declaration of permanent austerity amid the gilded splendour of the lord mayor’s banquet.

Osborne said: “It’s all about the cognitive dissonance with this administration, ie claiming privatising Royal Mail will make it more efficient while the privatised energy companies run insanely out of control.

“Or Iain Duncan Smith saying it’s your own fault if you’re not in work while being the single most incompetent person in the country.”

Osborne concedes that what began as a private joke is running out of control as Cabinet members seek to outdo each other.

He said: “Next week alone, the Justice Secretary’s going to announce our ‘war on drugs’ partnership with the Juarez Cartel.

“And on Friday, Jeremy Hunt’s declaring the NHS is better than ever just as he’s replaced the flu jab with weaponised smallpox.”

Osborne will outline cuts to the NHS, children’s services and the minimum wage nude except for the diamonds covering every inch of his skin.

He explained: “At the climax of my speech, I unveil a crackdown on MPs expenses then press a button and confetti cannons fire clouds of £20 notes into the House.”

“Then, as money showers down around me, I solemnly put on an ornate gold pig mask and declare ‘After all, we are the public’s humble servants.’”

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Jamie Oliver tackles Death Row meals

TV CHEF Jamie Oliver is to make Death Row prisoners’ last meals healthier and more nutritious.

The forthcoming Channel 4 series Jamie’s Death Row Meals was inspired by reports that a murderer in Florida had enjoyed a calorific final meal of fatty foods including pizza, chicken gizzards and ice cream.

Jamie Oliver said: “American jails need to promote fresh, balanced dining options to killers on the day of their execution.

“Every year hundreds of men and women are going to the gas chamber without having tried home-made pesto or even a simple rocket salad sprinkled with pine nuts.

“Not only that, but in the unlikely event that they get a last-minute reprieve they won’t survive another decade on a diet of deep fried pig knuckles.”

Filming has already begun on contrived scenes where Jamie clashes with prison catering staff over their reluctance to push salads, steamed fish and locally-sourced produce to people who are staring death in the face.

In the show, inmates final meal requests are taken as normal, then ignored as Jamie whips up a healthy alternative.

Convicted murderer Roy Hobbs said: “For my last meal this morning, I ordered two racks of barbecued ribs, seven pounds of home fries and a two-foot hot dog, all covered in bright yellow liquid cheese.

“So you can imagine my surprise when a suspiciously plump English dude arrives with a ‘four-grain summer salad’.

“If this is what the world’s come to, I’m ready to die.”