RISHI Sunak is to announce his mini-budget today. Will it ease the fears of worried British citizens or basically just tell them to get f**ked? Here he explains what to expect:
You’ll either freeze or starve
Do you want to wear several jumpers while you eat your meagre dinner of half a cracker with a morsel of cheese, or would you like a hot meal but shiver so much you can’t get the fork in your mouth? Neither? Well, tough shit. We all have to make difficult choices. I’m torn between a new holiday home in the Seychelles or a really massive one in Cornwall.
Inflation is going mental
Currently at 6.2 per cent, it will beat the previous record of 8.3 per cent and could even reach 10 per cent, which means everything is going to get a lot more expensive. No buying fancy new gadgets to cheer yourself up anymore. Although you won’t be doing that anyway, because you’ll be saving up for a month for a pack of tendony budget sausages.
We’ll cut petrol prices but it’ll be naff all help
I know you’re worried about petrol prices, so I’m going to knock a bit off the cost of a litre. Unfortunately it’s already so eye-wateringly expensive that a couple of pence is going to make bugger all difference. Also, we’re going to recoup that money by introducing toll roads. Why not keep warm today by burning your car, cooking a meal on the flames and saving a fortune in the long term?
Old people can piss off
The state pension will rise by less than inflation, meaning the elderly will have less money but much higher bills. However this is more of a problem for poor pensioners, and affluent homeowning ones who vote Tory are likely to get some sort of bribe before too long. The government is already toying with the idea of bringing back the triple-lock on pensions, in the meantime maybe they could have some nice terracotta pots for their sizable gardens?
You’re all f**ked but it’s not our fault
The bottom like is: we’re all f**ked, but it’s nothing to do with the government, it’s all due to the war in Ukraine. You might even call the invasion ‘well-timed’ or ‘lucky’. And ultimately it’s all your own fault for not being a billionaire, frankly.