DO you sometimes take tiny liberties with the truth to impress women? Do you think any of them are fooled for a single minute?
I’ve had loads of girlfriends
You’ve only been out with three women, but that number triples if you deceitfully include every minor flirtation like the pissed colleague confessing she ‘quite fancied you’ in 2002. Your partner hasn’t asked for specifics purely because it’s embarrassing to be going out with an insecure twat. You are such a winner.
I was in the school football team
Yes, for half a term at primary school when you were all too little to kick the ball properly. Your other half won’t push you on this, partly because it’s pathetic and partly because she saw you try to kick a ball back in the park and it somehow went at 90 degrees with so little force it came to a halt after 12 feet.
I know about cars
You can spout a few car words you’ve picked up (‘the clutch is playing up’) but unless this is some uniquely effective magical incantation, of course you can’t do anything useful like repair a bloody car. There’s one reason your girlfriend doesn’t mock this delusion: pity.
I’m great mates with my boss
Steve not only values your opinion but also considers you a good mate. Strangely he never asks you to socialise outside work, which is a bit of a giveaway, and now the possibility of a bring-your-partner work event fills you with the same dread as an elderly Nazi about to be exposed for war crimes.
I could run a marathon
You believe, usually while drunk, that your ‘core remains strong’ from your 20s, even though that core is coated in a generous layer of fat. Your wife humours this claim while silently noting that you struggle to climb three flights of stairs without stopping for a wheeze.
I’m a feminist
The ultimate lie; the one told on the first date and usually proven false by the end of the first date. You do, in theory, believe men and women should be equal, apart from women’s football which is rubbish, and they’re emotional not rational, and men should earn more because they have to pay for dates. Women don’t say anything. What would be the point?
