Six pathetic lies men think women can't instantly see through

DO you sometimes take tiny liberties with the truth to impress women? Do you think any of them are fooled for a single minute?  

I’ve had loads of girlfriends

You’ve only been out with three women, but that number triples if you deceitfully include every minor flirtation like the pissed colleague confessing she ‘quite fancied you’ in 2002. Your partner hasn’t asked for specifics purely because it’s embarrassing to be going out with an insecure twat. You are such a winner.

I was in the school football team

Yes, for half a term at primary school when you were all too little to kick the ball properly. Your other half won’t push you on this, partly because it’s pathetic and partly because she saw you try to kick a ball back in the park and it somehow went at 90 degrees with so little force it came to a halt after 12 feet.

I know about cars

You can spout a few car words you’ve picked up (‘the clutch is playing up’) but unless this is some uniquely effective magical incantation, of course you can’t do anything useful like repair a bloody car. There’s one reason your girlfriend doesn’t mock this delusion: pity.

I’m great mates with my boss

Steve not only values your opinion but also considers you a good mate. Strangely he never asks you to socialise outside work, which is a bit of a giveaway, and now the possibility of a bring-your-partner work event fills you with the same dread as an elderly Nazi about to be exposed for war crimes.

I could run a marathon

You believe, usually while drunk, that your ‘core remains strong’ from your 20s, even though that core is coated in a generous layer of fat. Your wife humours this claim while silently noting that you struggle to climb three flights of stairs without stopping for a wheeze.

I’m a feminist

The ultimate lie; the one told on the first date and usually proven false by the end of the first date. You do, in theory, believe men and women should be equal, apart from women’s football which is rubbish, and they’re emotional not rational, and men should earn more because they have to pay for dates. Women don’t say anything. What would be the point?

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'What’s so great about yachts?' billionaires asked

THE world’s super-rich have been asked what’s so f**king amazing about yachts that they all feel obliged to lash out half a billion on them. 

Following news that even Vladimir Putin has spent £500m on a yacht that looks like a big floating wedding cake, ordinary people are asking what on earth the appeal is.

Nathan Muir of Wrexham said: “I always assumed it was because you can’t be prosecuted in international waters, but now all the oligarchs are having theirs seized or can’t get them fuelled so that’s bollocks which makes it even more baffling.

“I’m sure it’s great when you’re in Venice, but you could just, like, live in Venice. And you don’t have to go far out to sea before it’s nothing but sea in every direction and it gets quite oppressive. I know, I’ve taken the ferry to the Isle of Man.

“What’s so great about sloshing about in a waterborne penthouse where all the staff live with you in cupboards? What’s the point of having a swimming pool on a boat? Is it not a bit like when retired couples live on a canal barge?

“Like private jets, castles in the mountains, Ferarris and 22-year-old Victoria’s Secret models, I get all that shit. I’d buy it tomorrow. But what’s the big deal with massive yachts?”

Oligarch Sergey Kirkorov said: “It f**king sucks. And I tell you what else I hate? All this shit modern art I have to buy.”