Has Liz Truss gone yet? A guide to take you through to about lunchtime

THE time is 9.02am: is Liz Truss still prime minister? How about now? This guide takes you through the next few hours: 

9.02am: You arrive at work and rush to your desk to discover if Liz Truss got fired while you were on the A500. Inexplicably no, despite being ripped a new arsehole by Andrew Neil on Good Morning Britain.

9.22am: Markets give their verdict on the new Truss/Hunt leadership team and they hate it. Especially the Truss part. You wait eagerly to hear they’re being sealed in concrete and dumped at sea. but eventually have to answer some emails.

9.50am: A conference call is completely derailed when a senior backbench Tory you’ve never heard of calls on Truss to resign immediately, BBC News interrupts Rip-Off Britain and it seems about to happen but doesn’t. Markets rally then crash accordingly.

10.22am: You nip to the canteen for a toastie, only to rush back to your desk when you hear distant cheering and assume that Liz Truss has been found by a pitchfork-wielding mob. It turns out to be children at a local primary school playing football.

10.50am: Work halts as a rumour spreads that a guillotine has been erected in Parliament Square and Huw Edwards is back in black tie to do the commentary. The pound rises to £1.16 against the dollar at the gleeful idea, then collapses again.

11.11am: Sky News cuts to live footage of Downing Street’s front door, which you’ve frankly seen too much of since 2016, which is interrupted by the sound of a gunshot. Everyone respectfully downs tools and agrees she’s done the decent thing and it was for the country’s good. It was a lorry backfiring. Gilt sales fall again.

11.37am: You’re called into an impromptu meeting so of course it’s going to happen then. Everyone gabbles through sales targets and campaign ROI before rushing out to find out how it happened but unbelievably, Liz Truss is still prime minister.

12.05pm: Lunchtime arrives and somehow, despite everything, she’s made it. You go out for a Sainsbury’s Meal Deal which since 9am today has gone up to £8.75. Surely she won’t last until the school run.

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Air on public transport 72 per cent flatulence

THE air circulating in buses, trains and trams is nearly three-quarters anal emissions, a new study has revealed.

News of the density of arse fumes has come as a shock to the scientific community, despite decades of public transport users noticing the presence of noxious gasses when they inhale.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “72 per cent? Jesus. I expected the odd squeaky leakage here and there but this is nearly as vile as our coastal waters. Have you all been eating beans before setting off?

“I recommend decreasing the flatulence to oxygen ratio by cracking a window. That won’t help the poor sods trapped in Tube carriages from breathing in a lungful of intestinal vapours, but it’s a start.

“Luckily there’s no risk of suffocating on sphincter wind, it’s just revolting. Are you even trying to hold it in? You’re not animals, for Christ’s sake, so clench and wait until you get off.”

Commuter Martin Bishop said: “It’s sickening to think about everyone’s bum particles swirling in the air. I didn’t wear a face mask for Covid, but I’ll pop one on to stay safe from farts.”