How to be a considerate lover: a man who once went down on his ex-girlfriend explains

STRUGGLING to please your woman? Follow the advice of a considerate lover who ate out his ex-girlfriend in 2014: 

Start with foreplay

A woman is like a Honda Civic on a winter’s morning. You can’t fire her up straight away, you need to heat up the engine, de-ice the windscreen and crank up the demister. Or, in a woman’s case, fondle her boobs for twenty seconds before you get down to six-and-a-half minutes of rigorous lovemaking.

Read her body language

Women express their feelings via subtle physical cues. An arch of the back here, an intake of breath there, it’s barely perceptible. If she’s tossing her head back, moaning about a headache and saying ‘maybe not tonight’, then this really means she wants you to fetch her a Nurofen, a glass of water and your erect cock. Thank me later.

Communication, communication, communication

Good sex is built on constant communication and feedback. My go-to lines for a sizzling shag include ‘honestly, it’s in’, ‘that never usually happens so fast’ and ‘sorry, it’s been a while’, so feel free to use them yourself. And if you ever work out what those disgruntled sighs of frustration mean let me know because I never figured that out.

Don’t forget the clitoris

Like most men, I thought the clitoris was a myth or a joke. How wrong I was. After being briskly directed to the clitoris by a frustrated partner I finally found it. Nobody knows what you’re supposed to do with it when you’ve tracked it down though, so feel free to improvise. Pat it? She’ll probably love that.

Treat her to oral sex

She went down on you, you should go down on her. Fair’s fair. Keep the magic alive though by making it a treat instead of a staple item on your sexual menu. I last ate out a girlfriend when David Cameron was still in office, so whoever I treat to cunnilingus next should be really grateful. Of course I expect a blowjob every morning. That’s simple good manners.

Wind down with pillow talk

Once you’ve shot your load, that means sex is over and it’s time to roll off her. If you’ve still got some stamina, try engaging in pillow talk. She’ll probably whisper sweet nothings into your ear like ‘fancy finishing me off’ or ‘do you think this is working?’ Simply smile and let these words lull you to sleep.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

All the bullshit your dad's ever said fact-checked

YOUR old man has come out with some wild claims over the years, but is there any truth to them? Find out:

Claim: He doesn’t have a favourite child
Fact check: Of course he does, but you’ll only find out who it is when he dies and the will comes into effect. Spoiler alert: it’s not you or you’d know it was you. Try not to resent your sibling for getting the house too much.

Claim: His college band nearly made it big
Fact check: There was a time when your dad played bass in a band fronted by more talented people. They never performed anywhere larger than the local village hall though, because they mainly covered The Everly Brothers.

Claim: He was a troublemaker back in the day
Fact check: The extent of your dad’s misspent youth involved sneaking into an X-certificate film when he was underage and never handing in a tenner he found on the pavement to the police. Still, compared to your boring teenage years, this was some James Dean shit. 

Claim: He’s only ever had eyes for your mum
Fact check: For the sake of family stability this is categorically true. Do not under any circumstance probe into what exactly happened with that barmaid in 1992. Your mum and dad have put it behind them. He loves you very much.

Claim: He’ll get round to fixing that
Fact check: Bullshit at the time of writing. All the DIY projects he’s promised to fix have taken 23 years and counting. Get mum to nudge him into action by saying she’ll get a proper man in to look at it. Everything will be repaired within a couple of hours.

Claim: He’s proud of you
Fact check: Impossible to verify. This was only hastily slurred once when he had one too many brandies at Christmas. If pressed on this point he would have no recollection of saying it. Believe it if you need to.