Liverpool fan wakes up from dream where he kisses Erling Haaland

A LIVERPOOL fan has sat bolt upright from a dream in which Erling Haaland scores a hat-trick against his team and then they make out.

Stephen Malley of Sefton held his head in his hands, cold with perspiration, as he remembered the agony of the goals and the wunderkind striker’s sensuous lips and insistent tongue.

He said: “In my head, I’d hate him if he scored against us. But my wayward heart yearns to witness the miraculous.

“All three goals were so clinical. Left foot, right foot, header, each within 15 second-half minutes. I was on the Kop, howling with outrage, when Haaland drew to a halt in front of me. Our eyes met. My mouth hung open, silenced.

“He strode toward me, six foot four of blonde Norwegian goal machine perfection. I was transfixed. With the same unerring instinct that’s taken him to 20 goals this season alone, he reached for me. I folded like United’s press, gave in to the inevitable, and we kissed.

“I’m not gay. But even with the curtains open the memory lingers in the air. What does this mean? What if it comes true?”

By kick-off Malley will channel his homoerotic yearnings for the greatest striker of his generation into blind hatred of Liverpool’s opponents, as he does with all other emotions of any kind.

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'You're cute' and other compliments that mean men aren't getting a shag

ARE you in there or are you going home alone to angrily Google porn? If you hear these compliments, it’s the latter:

‘You’re cute’

Ouch. This is the compliment equivalent of locking away your dick and balls in a chastity cage and throwing away the key. If she wanted to shag you she’d say you’re ‘hot’, ‘fit’ or at the very least ‘handsome’. Being called ‘cute’ means she sees you in the same way as puppies and baby birds, neither of which she wants to bang.

‘You’ve got a wonderful personality’

Focusing on your personality rather than your raw animal magnetism is bad enough, but calling it ‘wonderful’ is the killing blow. Nobody calls anything wonderful anymore, not even things that are legitimately wonderful like fireworks or finding a fiver in an old coat. This means she isn’t saying what she means, which is ‘boring’.

‘This was a lovely evening’

What’s the problem? Sounds promising enough, right? Whoa there, soldier, look closer. Notice how she’s already referring to the evening in the past tense? That means it’s already over in her mind. She can’t wait to get home, change into her tracky bottoms, and do something more enjoyable than shagging you like mindlessly scrolling Instagram for four hours.

‘You’re just like my brother/ sister (delete as applicable)’

In some ways this is really sweet. It indicates that she immediately trusts and likes you, but sadly in a familial way which would be deeply wrong if it took a sexual turn. That’s unless she’s from an incestuous family, in which case it’s time for you to stop laying on the faux compliments and get the hell out of there.

‘You’re so nice’

Oh dear, the n-bomb. This not only indicates that she doesn’t want to shag you, it screams that she finds you utterly repellent. Nice is what you call something deeply awful when you don’t want to be offensive. Ugly feature walls and bad selfies are ‘nice’, and she sees you as their human equivalent. Better luck next time.