A LIVERPOOL fan has sat bolt upright from a dream in which Erling Haaland scores a hat-trick against his team and then they make out.
Stephen Malley of Sefton held his head in his hands, cold with perspiration, as he remembered the agony of the goals and the wunderkind striker’s sensuous lips and insistent tongue.
He said: “In my head, I’d hate him if he scored against us. But my wayward heart yearns to witness the miraculous.
“All three goals were so clinical. Left foot, right foot, header, each within 15 second-half minutes. I was on the Kop, howling with outrage, when Haaland drew to a halt in front of me. Our eyes met. My mouth hung open, silenced.
“He strode toward me, six foot four of blonde Norwegian goal machine perfection. I was transfixed. With the same unerring instinct that’s taken him to 20 goals this season alone, he reached for me. I folded like United’s press, gave in to the inevitable, and we kissed.
“I’m not gay. But even with the curtains open the memory lingers in the air. What does this mean? What if it comes true?”
By kick-off Malley will channel his homoerotic yearnings for the greatest striker of his generation into blind hatred of Liverpool’s opponents, as he does with all other emotions of any kind.