Man technically still going out with girl he never dumped in playground

A 35-YEAR-OLD man is technically still in a relationship with his girlfriend from school because he never sent his mate over to dump her.

Tom Logan of Redditch failed to observe the customary ritual of dispatching a friend to tell Mary Fisher they were no longer a couple 22 years ago, when attending Arrow Vale Secondary, and consequently their relationship has continued until this day.

The news means Logan has two-timed her with eight different women, including his current wife, and everyone in his life now considers him a dirty disgusting cheat.

Logan said: “I forgot! That’s all that happened! Is that such a crime?

“Yes, looking back I remember Jo Kramer coming over to ask me out for Mary, and agreeing, and then the ritual never got performed in reverse. But it’s been decades. It doesn’t mean it still stands.

“It was one of those relationships you have as a 13-year-old where you don’t talk to each other or spend any time together or acknowledge each other, much like my present marriage. Now my wife’s claiming it’s grounds for divorce.”

Logan is resolving the situation by sending mate Joe Turner on a 880-mile round trip to Mary’s home in Aberdeen to tell her he is not going out with her anymore, and rewarding him with a Panini sticker of Steve McManaman.

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Retired grandmother can't help with childcare because of urgent National Trust visit

A RETIRED grandmother is unable to look after her daughter’s children due to a National Trust visit that cannot be postponed.

72-year-old Helen Archer would love to spend her afternoon looking after a couple of shrieking grandchildren while her daughter goes to see friends, but her decision to visit a Grade II listed Tudor manor house must take priority.

She said: “If I don’t pop along today then I’ll never have the time. On Monday I have to take a cheque to the bank, and the rest of the week is packed with sitting down and watching Murder She Wrote. Poor Angela. She was a daytime murder great.

“Yes, I already went last week, but I didn’t get a proper look at the kitchen or learn about its connections with the East India Company. Plus I forgot to pick up damson jam from the gift shop. Now you understand why it can’t wait.

“I’m sure there must be someone else the grandkids love who’s willing to lend a hand at the last minute free of charge. There’s no way everybody is tied up with a pressing engagement like myself.”

Daughter Emma said: “Mum thinks she’s so smart by weaselling out of this. Kids under five get into Sutton House for free though, so I hope she enjoys dragging them round.”