How are you celebrating Extricating Boris From The Shit Day?

AFTER months stuck at home watching Boris Johnson’s popularity plummet, we’re finally free to celebrate the blatant distraction which is ‘Freedom Day’. So what are you doing?

Organising a street party 

Freedom Day is a joyful British occasion up there with the sinking of the Belgrano, so get out the bunting and sausage rolls. It’s a double celebration, really – you’ve got your freedom back and that smirking, sociopathic bastard Johnson is off the hook for a bit. 

Treating yourself to a luxurious lateral flow test

You might find it hard to afford Covid tests from now on, but treat yourself today. In fact it might be a good idea now millions of morons are infecting each other thinking a mindless microbe has somehow been ‘defeated’.

Buying Freedom Day memorabilia 

You’ll want a souvenir of this historic day. Maybe a plush Boris teddy in a t-shirt saying ‘Got away with it again, plebs!’ and flicking the Vs at you. Or a Charles and Di-style plate with Boris Johnson gazing fondly into the eyes of his true love, Boris Johnson.  

Doing all the things you couldn’t due to restrictions 

Like going to the office. Offices are great. You’ve got fun activities like filling in spreadsheets, and your co-workers are your friends, not boring deadheads and bitchy gossips. You’ve got Boris to thank because he couldn’t resist being a smartarse and having loads of boozy parties he now wants everyone to forget.

Basking in our nation’s glory

‘Our finest hour’, ‘world-beating vaccine rollout’, ‘Blitz spirit’ – MPs and the media will come out with every inappropriate cliche. Jacob Rees-Mogg has no doubt concocted some bullshit like: ‘The lion and unicorn of Albion hath gone once more unto the breach, dear Brexiters. Rejoice.’ Be unsure whether to feel proud or barf up your dinner.

Going to hospital

With Covid precautions out of the window, a trip to hospital is likely. They’re depressing places with prison camp food, so cheer yourself up by remembering Johnson has bought himself more time to play at prime minister and stuff his face with expensive food and wine.

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We thought we'd do the pandemic before the world war instead of after this time, says history

HISTORY has confirmed that it decided to do the whole pandemic before the world war rather than after this time, to mix things up a bit. 

After doing the First World War then the Spanish flu in the 20th century, history thought it might be interesting to try reversing world events and see if people liked it any more. 

It said: “Fair enough, after the slaughter-pit of mud and bullets Europe became last time, some people felt that killing 50 million with a disease was a bit much. I hear you. 

“So this time I thought, ‘What if the pandemic comes out of a clear blue sky?’ And it got way more attention. You people really flipped for it, so I’m definitely doing that again. 

“But what with starting that later we’ve lost some lead time so it’s straight into the war and the subsequent political turmoil. You know, people turning to fascism, weird cults like bitcoin, that sort of thing. It’s already happening on Twitter. 

“After that strikes, energy shortages, climate change really kicking in, the Antarctic War, the end of antibiotics, mass death and finally the AIs take over. 

“By about 2070 everything’s sorted and we’re in a new golden age of happiness and freedom. It’ll be great, for those of you who make it.”