How to blame other people for your Brexit bullsh*t

WHETHER you’re the prime minister or an ordinary Leaver, it’s time to start blaming other people for Brexit. Here’s how to try and shift the blame.

The EU are being tw*ts about the backstop

Boris Johnson’s current strategy. Well worth trying because no one can face reading up on the customs union and many Britons’ understanding of modern Europe appears to be based on Sharpe’s Rifles.

It’s all Remainers’ fault

Remainers have completely failed to: devise a foolproof Brexit plan; negotiate new trade deals; support something they don’t agree with which would have made no difference anyway. If the blame for Brexit going wrong lies anywhere, it’s with these total b*stards.

The EU are being tw*ts in general

Good bit of blame-shifting that ignores the fact we’re trying to leave a trade bloc without losing any benefits. People say this is like cancelling your gym membership and still expecting to use the equipment, but it’s more like leaving because you’re not allowed to smoke, then ramming a dumb bell up your a*se.

People who call Brexiters ‘racist’ or ‘xenophobic’

Apparently if you call people out on their bigoted views, it makes them upset and therefore it’s not surprising they support Brexit. About as logical as saying serial killers aren’t to blame for murdering people and it’s the victim’s fault for being so temptingly alive.

Evil anti-Brexit fairies 

If you’re running out of people to blame, be a bit creative and claim evil fairies are flying here from continental Europe and sabotaging Brexit. Your Brexiter mates probably don’t care whether what they believe is true, and may even try to shoot them down with air rifles.


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Living life to the full 'not the same as getting pissed every day'

A CONTROVERSIAL new study suggests that leading a rich and full life might not necessarily involve getting shitfaced as often as possible.

The Institute for Studies has put forward the theory that it is possible to have a worthwhile existence while drinking as little as a half of lager a day.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It sounds crazy, I know, but there may be such a thing as a fulfilling day that does not involve alcohol as a very large component, indeed perhaps its only component.

“If you’ve done something uplifting and enjoyable, say a country walk, common sense says you should reward yourself with several pints afterwards, otherwise what the hell was all that about?

“But now scientists are beginning to explore the theory that you could actually cut beer out of the scenario entirely. Have a cup of tea, perhaps, then go to bed early.

“You might even wake up in the morning without a hangover feeling all refreshed and positive. More research is needed to find out if this could actually happen.”

However rival researcher Professor Norman Steele said: “The study is clearly flawed. Alcohol is necessary for the enjoyment of everything, from watching TV to the miraculous birth of your child.”