Late night trip to Tesco still oddly thrilling

GOING to a supermarket at 4am is strangely exciting and edgy even though it is just full of knackered people stacking shelves, it has been confirmed. 

Despite large supermarkets being open 24-hours for many years, shoppers still enjoy feeling like naughty criminals who have broken in as they prowl the aisles in the middle of the night.

Nathan Muir said: “When I was a young stoner we dreamed of being able to go to Tesco at 3am to buy Rizlas and an abnormal number of Twixes, but we had to do a six-mile round trip to the nearest petrol station instead.

“So even now I’m a 40-year-old father of three and just going in to buy emergency nappies because our littlest one has sh*t all over the place, I still get a sense of illicit triumph that I’m in a shop when I’m not meant to be.

“Of course, any pleasure is soon extinguished by interacting with the poor sods who have to put tins of Pedigree Chum on shelves at an unearthly hour, like some retail-based legion of the damned. 

“But to be honest I’d rather do that than clean up baby sh*t, so it’s swings and roundabouts really.”

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Tedious bastard decides his personality is 'meat eater'

A MAN without much personality has decided to compensate by constantly telling people how into meat he is.

Unremarkable office worker Martin Bishop recently switched to an almost totally meat-based conversational style which he thinks is rugged and masculine.

Bishop said: “I love meat. Big thick juicy steaks, a leg of lamb roasting in the oven. There’s just no substitute if you want to be manly but think riding a motorbike is too dangerous.

“Sure I talk about it a lot, but what’s wrong with that? There’s no way people could get bored with interminable conversations about meat when they’re not actually eating it or trying to get on with some work.

“I’m thinking of buying a whole pig and roasting it in a fire pit. No, please don’t put your headphones in. This interesting. And manly.”

Bishop believes women are particularly impressed by his meat consumption, at one point having a 15-minute conversation with co-worker Donna Sheridan about chicken drumsticks.

She said: “Martin thinks banging on about meat makes him into some sort of sexually irresistible tough guy. But I don’t think I’ll sleep with him now that he’s going to have a heart attack.”