Tuesday, 4th August 2020

The idiot's guide to changing your name

WANT to change your name? Perhaps you’re on the run or just tired of being called Leslie Smallcock? Here’s how to do it without sounding like a tw*t.

Don’t give yourself a stupid macho name

Names like Brad, Tyler and Wolf may sound cool now, but if you get married in the near future and the vicar has to say “Do you take Maverick Brett Tyson Kirk to be your lawful wedded husband?” the church will be flooded with p*ss. 

Stick with your ethnicity

If you’re a red-headed, pale-skinned Scot called Fergus McGregor it’s unlikely you’re going to be able to pass yourself off as a Rajesh Singh. Opt for a sensible compromise, eg. Angus McPatel.

Beware of dodgy acronyms

Remember that some companies and organisations will use your initials instead of your full name. Be careful not to give yourself initials that will come back to haunt you, eg. by Adam Roger Steve Ellis.

Don’t pick an obviously celebrity-based name

As with choosing a name for a child, don’t go with anything that is blatantly based on a contemporary famous person, such as Beyonce Smith, Scarlett-Jo Wilson or Statham Rock Lightfoot.

Avoid spoonerisms at all costs

Names like Ricky Steer and Betty Swalls should be avoided for obvious reasons.

Be aware that changing your name is a giant ballsache

Having to fill in a deed poll form and then contact every organisation in the entire history of the world is an enormous hassle, so ask if you really want to do it. Maybe you could just wear a fake moustache, glasses and nose combo instead?