How to cope with another year of Theresa bloody May
THERESA May is set to stay for at least another year, so how will you survive more of her bullshit? Follow our guide to making it as painless as possible.
Drink and drugs
Go on an insane Hunter S. Thompson-style bender fuelled by LSD, heroin and Tesco own-brand gin. After a year your life will have fallen apart but you’ll be oblivious to the latest gripping wrangles over the Northern Ireland ‘backstop’.
Become an up-yourself TV political correspondent
Nick Robinson, Laura Kuenssberg, Robert Peston – these twats love pontificating about Westminster politics while conveying very little worthwhile information. However they are very well paid and probably even get groupies. Give it a go.
Have no news media
This basically means getting rid of your TV and computer and never buying or even looking at a newspaper. You’ll be a social pariah who can’t discuss shows like Bodyguard with your mates in the pub, but they’ll be fascinated by the fact that you’ve finally finished Anna Karenina.
Have your short-term memory removed
With no short-term memory, May yet again returning from Brussels with the same crap Brexit deal will seem like fresh and exciting news, not the tedious version of Groundhog Day it really is.
NHS doctors are unlikely to agree to this risky cranial procedure, so you’ll probably have to go to a dodgy surgeon in Bolivia and possibly be turned into a vegetable, but it’s worth the risk.