How to daintily sidestep any suggestion this is Brexit's fault: A guide for Tories and the media

NEED to talk about the current crises facing the country without mentioning one of the biggest contributing factors? Skirt around Brexit effortlessly with this guide.

Blame everything else

Has Brexit fuelled the cost of living crisis by making imports and exports prohibitively expensive and lopping a huge chunk off GDP? No. Remind readers and viewers of the real reasons: Ukraine and the aftereffects of Covid. Conveniently overlook the fact that EU countries are weathering these storms without old ladies having to ride buses to keep warm.

Point out that everywhere is f**ked

Only concede that Britain is feeling the pinch in a global context. Yes, the country’s energy bills could soar by 74 per cent in 2023, but that’s nothing compared to what Kyiv is going through at the minute. And have you seen that Wuhan has gone back into lockdown? These are completely unrelated points but people should count themselves lucky nonetheless.

Create a debate-proof atmosphere

Follow Suella Braverman’s lead and use inflammatory language to keep hostility at fever pitch. This will make it impossible to criticise immigration policy without words like ‘invasion’ getting thrown around. Flying people to Rwanda is the control Britons bravely fought to take back in 2016. It wasn’t mentioned then but that’s the end of the matter.

Manufacture distractions

These will need to be churned out at breakneck speed because Brexit’s shortcomings are unavoidable. The Queen valiantly did her part to divert attention for a few weeks by dying, but you’ll need to think outside the box as the country’s situation worsens. Bounty bars being removed from Celebrations tubs and Hancock eating a kangaroo bollock will only tide you over for so long.

Just don’t mention it, ever

Simple, but effective. You can’t blame something you never talk about. Keep it up and in a few decades the word will fall out of the public consciousness. When shown it written down, the average Brit will struggle to recognise it and assume it’s a band name or some sort of Pokemon. Well done, you are now successfully off the hook. Apart from being in a Mad Max economy.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Middle class interest rates raised by 180 Gü ramekins per month

THE Bank of England has announced that middle class interest rates are being raised by the equivalent of 180 Gü ramekins per month.

The announcement that interest rates are increasing by four embellished items of Boden Fair Isle knitwear has left thousands of middle-class families living between Ocado deliveries.

Carolyn Ryan of Oswestry said: “We’ve lost out financially to the tune of between one and one-and-a-half waxed Barbour jackets with poacher’s pockets every month. I don’t know how we’ll survive.

“No family, no matter how well-heeled, could survive this kind of cut to their income without making changes. As a household it’s like we’re buying four new John Lewis sofas a year.

“It’s not just losing six minibreaks per annum. It’s the little things, like membership of the National Gallery and habitually using the M6 toll road. Like Joni said, you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.”

She added: “It’s the tenants in our investment properties I feel most sorry for. They’ll be bearing the brunt of this. Poor things.”