I have been victimised by my two worst enemies: Harriet Harman and facts

HARRIET Harman and objective truth have had it in for me for years, and now they have wickedly conspired to accuse me of things I definitely have done.

One is the unattractive chair of the privileges committee who hates my very existence. The other is a set of indisputable facts about reality which have been a hindrance to me since birth. And now their kangaroo court has delivered its laughable verdict on me, a helpless innocent.

It should come as no surprise. ‘Harriet Harperson’ has long been jealous of my wit, universal popularity and athletic physique. And my playful habit of ignoring facts is a nuisance to egghead boffins who get hung up on that sort of thing.

Like two envious, runtish oppidans plotting against their Eton College superiors, they have dashed off a worthless, peer-reviewed report after a cursory one-year investigation, the findings of which are patently tripe, bollocks and flim-flam.

Could I, the brave Ulysses who triumphantly guided this fearful nation through the rocks of Brexit and Covid, really intentionally lie to parliament? According to the facts of my own deranged reality, I could never do such a thing, therefore I didn’t.

Instead, you will have to believe my own account: I was acting in the best interests of the nation, outsmarting the coronavirus with my Machiavellian genius by doing what it least expected: getting shitfaced in close proximity to other people.

And that, not the feverish imaginings of Harpie Harman or boring old facts, is the only explanation that makes any sense.

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Seven ways your school forced you into binary gender roles that will horrify Gen Z

TEACHERS ruthlessly forced children of the 70s and 80s into traditional cisgender roles. Here is some of their systematic gender oppression that will shock today’s young people.

Gender-specific sports 

Schools rigidly enforced a rule of football for boys and netball or hockey for girls. Strangely, when girls did finally get to play football the earth did not fall off its axis, and now everyone loves the Lionesses. The system also produced millions of men with mediocre football skills, for which there is no demand whatsoever in the modern economy.

No drag queen storytimes 

This would have been incredibly popular. Not because kids wanted to explore different gender identities, but because they love any disruption to the school day. They down tools in an excited panic if they see a bee 20m from their classroom, for f**k’s sake.

A lack of strong female characters in playground games

At primary school, small girls could only pretend to be Princess Leia or Aunt Flo from Bod in imaginative playground games. Fortunately nowadays there is a host of hugely popular female characters to choose from, such as She-Hulk, Rey Skywalker, America Chavez, the rebooted Little Mermaid and Helena from The Dial of Destiny.

No LGBT+ sex education

Sex ed could easily include no mention of any other sexuality than hetero, and even then Mr Hughes the science teacher was clearly more comfortable with plant sex than the human variety. If asked to explain homosexuality he would probably have described it as ‘when a man plant puts his stamen up another bloke’s pistil’ before telling the class to label the ovules in daisies while he went for a fag.

Homophobic bullying

This was actually the main activity of male children at school between the years 1972 and 1990. If they’d spent the same amount of time on academic subjects as they did calling each other ‘bender’, ‘poof’, ‘arse bandit’, etc. the average male pupil would have emerged with approximately 200 GCSEs.

Stereotypical gender subjects

Boys were encouraged to do metalwork and technical drawing, while girls were expected to do English Literature and, for the show-offs, drama. Ideally there would have been a subject called GCE Books, Cakes and Kitten Grooming they could have fobbed all the girls off with, but feminism had been around too long. Perhaps as a result of the progressive ideas pioneered by the likes of Germaine Greer, all pupils ended up doing home economics, resulting in families having to try a warm egg and ham salad their 12-year-old son had brought home and nearly barfing on the spot.

A disgraceful lack of DILFs

It must have been enshrined in the Education Act that all schools had a bare minimum of three MILF teachers or French assistants, but scant attention was paid to the wanking needs of heterosexual female pupils or gay males. The maximum level of attractiveness of male teachers was using an underarm deodorant and not having a beard that reminded you of Peter Sutcliffe.