I will personally fellate Red Wall racists: Keir Starmer's five missions

YESTERDAY I set out Labour’s five missions for the future. Now I’m asking you to join me as we build a new Britain in which every bigot is fellated and no flag goes unshagged.

1. Blowjobs for all Northern racists

Text ‘Red Wall racist’ to Labour HQ and I will personally come round, with a cushion, to nosh you off. No more vague plans for ‘levelling up’ – I’m a leader who’s prepared to put my mouth where my mouth is. Will bukkake parties be allowed? Yes. It’s only fractionally more demeaning than my current pandering to f**kwits from Grimsby who talk in Sun headlines.

2. The death penalty in every home 

The NHS will be sold at a knock-down price to property developers and the proceeds used to install a noose in every living room in the UK. You and your (hardworking) family will thus be able to carry out a traditional British hanging any night of the week, and not miss a second of Strictly!

And let me tell you this. The interfering nanny state won’t be telling you who you can and can’t hang. A nonce, next door’s cat, your mother-in-law, a Belgian, your neighbour with a more attractive wife than yours – go ahead and string the bastard up!

3. Brexit 2.0

For many Britons, telling immigrants and foreigners to f**k off was the greatest moment of their lives. So I pledge to hold a referendum for another bigger, better Brexit. I’ll be personally be overseeing Brexit 2.0, or ‘Megabrexit’ as it will colloquially be known, with the help of my trusted colleague Nigel Farage. Together we will build on the success of the existing Brexit and take the UK to new heights of poverty and isolation.

4. Corbyn to be hunted down like a dog

Although I served in his shadow cabinet, Jeremy Corbyn is evil. He’s so evil Labour party centrists still have to obsessively attack him years after he resigned without much fuss. If you don’t believe Corbyn was quite as bad as all that, I suggest you listen to trusted sources like The Sun, The Daily Mail and her off Countdown.

As prime minister my first act will be to order an RAF airstrike on Corbyn’s Islington terraced house, followed by an SAS raid to riddle his corpse with bullets, then the bulldozing and concreting over of his allotment. An excessive response to an old 80s Trot who wanted to give everyone free broadband? I believe not. With his rabid hatred of Jews, Jeremy is, quite literally, Hitler. 

5. I will dress as a golliwog

Retired Home Counties fascists don’t like Labour, but they do like golliwogs. To win over this key electoral bloc, I vow to wear blackface at all times and dress like a golly from an out-of-print Enid Blyton book. It will send out a powerful message that I will fight tooth and claw against the forces of ‘woke’, and with luck my wife’s angry mutterings about divorce will turn out to be an empty threat.

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You can pick a lock wearing tiny shorts: Signs you're a woman in an action film

ACTION movies have a reputation for lazy female stereotypes, but that’s unfair because some women have a name and don’t just scream. Here are the signs you might be one.

You can pick a lock

With a cry of ‘Step aside boys’, a hairclip whipped from your blonde tresses is enough to get you out of any sticky situation. Have you learnt a skill for any other reason than to make surprised men say ‘Woah, she’s good!’ when you show it off? Don’t be silly.

You’re wearing tiny shorts

Men may be encased in body armour, but for you spandex offers way more protection in combat situations. Look at the Royal Marines – head-to-toe in lycra.

You have a strange skillset

You can fly a plane, identify ancient artefacts from any culture and remove snake venom, which you just happened to learn as a medic in Iraq. It’s pretty weird considering most people just do the one career, eg. accountancy. Still, they do say women are better at multitasking.

You have access to constant makeup touch-ups

Despite arduous days in a jungle, desert or ruined city under siege from extraterrestrials, you’ve managed to keep that lip liner pristine. You may have sweated once or twice, but only to create dewy cleavage. Under-boob swampiness is an alien concept.

You can distract enemies with your feminine wiles

Anyone who’s been in a fight to the death knows that the conflict will instantly end if everyone’s distracted by a smile from a pretty lady. Really you could do a lot more good working for the UN.

You have to get changed next to the hero

At some point you’ll have to swap the tiny shorts for something sophisticated like a revealing ballgown. For some reason, the only place you can do this is right next to the hero. He’ll nobly turn away, of course, but that doesn’t mean the camera can’t do a prolonged close-up on your bra coming off. (Obviously the hero will be amazed by a hot woman transforming into a hot woman in different clothes.) 

You know martial arts

Including the physics-defying move of kicking a 250lb man with enough force to make him fly across the room. It’s not a lazy way of making fight scenes more plausible, you’re just really good at it. 

You get kidnapped

For the finale of the film, you’ve been captured by the bad guys. Don’t worry if you die, you’ll be a great revenge plot device for the sequel.