ARE you stuck in a relationship with someone whose best friend is nicer, more attractive and the one you really fancy? Here’s what to do in this probably-doomed situation.
Try not to make it too obvious
In a group visit to the pub, don’t sit next to Best Friend and give her your undivided attention as if you’re on the greatest date of your life, all while gazing, rapt, into her eyes. This will look a bit suspect. Throw people off the scent by buying your partner a romantic bag of crisps.
Do not assess the situation in a realistic way
Don’t look objectively at the chances of going out with Best Friend. The romantic traffic is all one-way and nothing is going to happen. This is too depressing to contemplate, so be mature about it and focus on more positive things, like Best Friend’s lovely hair.
Have weird days out
For example: you all go to the seaside. Your partner and a few others decide to visit some crap museum while you and Best Friend have a brilliant time in an amusement arcade then the pub. It’s a weird combination of nice, strange and unsatisfactory, but it can’t be avoided in best-friend-fancying situations. It’s the law.
Avoid verbal sex mishaps
While having sex with your partner, don’t blurt out Best Friend’s name. ‘Leia’ is excruciatingly embarrassing but won’t get you dumped, Best Friend you were in the pub with earlier is a lot worse.
Keep your burning hatred of Best Friend’s partner to yourself
Best Friend will have an eligible partner. In your childish imagination it’s fine for him to be squished by a train or dissolved in acid or whatever, but don’t let it spill over into real life, for example by picking stupid arguments with him. He’ll win and you really don’t need the extra humiliation on top of imagining them having sex.
Think about the consequences
If by some miracle you started seeing Best Friend, would you really want the guilt of hurting your partner and ruining a great friendship? No. People are quite resilient, though. Look at those guys who crashed in the Andes. They ate each other, but they’re fine about it now.
Be very cautious around large amounts of alcohol
It’s a good idea to avoid being utterly shitfaced and declaring your undying love for Best Friend. The carnage will be so bad you may as well pull the pin of a hand grenade and swallow it. So watch the booze if Best Friend is around. In vino veritas, said the Romans, who must have fancied their girlfriends’ best friends too.
Find ‘love’ with a new Best Friend
The fact that you love Best Friend probably means you’re a bit lukewarm about your actual partner. If you split up that may well be the end of your non-relationship with Best Friend too. You’ll be devastated, but eventually you’ll meet someone else with their own more attractive Best Friend you can be hopelessly besotted with. It’s good to move on.
