By the new so-much-in-love Matt Hancock
FORGET everything you knew about the old Matt Hancock. I’m back and I’m more nauseatingly in love than ever before.
It’s been a crazy few months, eh? That vaccine I personally secured and distributed has knocked the panny-D on the head. (You’re welcome.) But all the other news is totes sad, so I thought I’d cheer you all up by restarting my career.
Yes, the old cool-as-a-cucumber Matt Hancock you all knew and respected is gone. But in his place is Matt Hancock the Lover. He’s suave, stylish in a polo neck, and rambles on about love in podcasts. Think Casanova meets Joe Rogan. Better lock up your daughters! (No, just joking, I am not a threat.)
Cynics will try to shoot down the new me. But all I’m guilty of is falling for an incredible woman who wasn’t my wife while mishandling the biggest public health crisis in living memory. Who hasn’t had their judgement clouded by love? I wasn’t an incompetent twat, I was just too romantic.
Thanks to extensive media training by my former colleague and the person I’m now trying to get my kids to call ‘mum’, I’m ready to return to public life. It’s taken a while for you all to swallow your pride and welcome me back, but I graciously accept your forgiveness.
With the people of Britain now firmly behind me once again I expect I can effortlessly glide back into politics. Who knows, maybe I’ll go for the top job? My manifesto: It’s not a crime to fall in love. See you at the ballot box.
Yours, Matt xxx (kissing with hearts emoji)