HAVE you got certain friends with too much time on their hands who are determined to waste yours? Here are some who’ll constantly be in touch – when it’s convenient for them.
The WhatsApp shitposter
Posts dozens of inane snippets of gibberish and unfunny comments, such as: ‘What up, dawg???’, ‘Just had an excellant piss’, or simply ‘Yo’. You now realise WhatsApp could be used to torture people, because you’ll do anything to make the f**king pinging stop.
The lockdown gardening convert
When Justin got into gardening during lockdown you were pleased he’d found an interest to help stay sane. Now, after endless updates about his garlic, dill, Italian tomatoes, lilies and cacti, you want to rampage through his plants like a mindless teenage vandal trashing a flower display, and possibly leave a nice big turd in his courgettes.
The kept partner
Their partner earns enough to live on, so they don’t work, or dabble in freelance. Result: an absurd amount of time on their hands. One day they’ll call once too often when you’re busy and you’ll snap, eg. ‘GET A F**KING JOB, YOU F**KING MARIE ANTOINETTE PARASITE!’
The Machiavellian pubgoer
They’ll guilt-trip you into going to the pub, making out you’re turning into a weird hermit. Then you realise they’re bored shitless or want some moral support while they yap to a woman they fancy. When you really fancy going for a pint they’re ‘feeling lazy’ and staying in to rewatch The Shawshank Redemption for the 14th time on ITV.
The news story sharer
Posts links to news stories with some redundant comment like ‘Terrible’ referring to something that’s indisputably terrible, eg. hundreds dying in floods. Why they think anyone needs their help to read the main stories on the BBC news site remains a tedious mystery.
Endless relationship problems friend
You used to be sympathetic about their crap boyfriends or loony girlfriends. But it keeps happening, suggesting they’re just an idiot at choosing partners. Your advice is gradually shifting from ‘The right person’s out there’ to ‘Have you thought about becoming a barren old spinster?’ or, if male, ’See those testicles? How about chopping them off?’
