AFTER scrapping HS2 and abandoning levelling up, the Conservatives have confirmed that ‘It’s grim up North’ is now official government policy.
Ministers say there is no hope for the area of the UK between Birmingham and Gretna Green, so they are simply going to acknowledge it is dreadful and leave it to its own devices.
A government spokesman said: “We’ve tried with the North. Sort of. We wittered some stuff about the ‘Northern Powerhouse’ and what have you, but no one could really be arsed with it because it’s outside the M25.
“So we’re scrapping everything and letting Northerners return to their lives of whippets, flat caps, pies, rain and soot. Actually that’s an unfair stereotype. These days they’re more into benefits scrounging, smoking spice and being so fat they need a mobility scooter aged 30.
“However they’re happy with their unbearably bleak existence as they’re simple folk and don’t really want complicated, modern things like high-speed rail links or multimillion pound investments forced on them.
“What will we spend the £36 billion we’ve saved on? Probably things we Conservatives feel are important, like private jets, wine fridges and focus groups telling Rishi the public hate him. We might fill in a couple of potholes if we can be bothered. Actually let’s not.”
Nikki Hollis, from Sheffield, said: “It’ll be slightly less grim now those awful twats and their demented conference have f**ked off.”