Overlooked celebrities you're sure would shag you out of gratitude

SOME celebs get overshadowed by bigger stars or never quite hit the uppermost heights of fame. Here are some who’d be incredibly flattered by your attention.

Amy Adams, Lois Lane, Batman v Superman

Imagine working in an office with Gal Gadot. All your co-workers would remember her birthday, invite her to the pub and happily lend her their stapler, while you’re ignored like a pot plant. That’s how Amy must feel in Superman films, where journalist Lois Lane can’t exactly defeat alien monsters with her powers of shorthand. Yep, we’re pretty sure you’ll pull super-rich Hollywood A-lister Amy if you just cattily point out Wonder Woman 1984 was shit.

Billy Boyd, Pippin, The Lord of the Rings

Scottish actor Billy is not bad-looking and successful by any standards, but his life must be a lot like Pippin’s on his return to the Shire – people are quite interested in what you did in Middle Earth/Hollywood, but they’d prefer to be hearing it from Frodo/Elijah Wood. As such you could definitely shag Billy by saying how much you loved his work in Pimp, Casualty and Seed of Chucky. Okay, you’re going to have to watch a lot of toss for this shag.

Caroline Blakiston, Mon Mothma, Star Wars  

After being totally overshadowed by Carrie Fisher, Caroline Blakiston would surely have been putty in your hands after a few thoughtful compliments, eg. ‘You were great as the blonde dollybird in Department S.’ Come to think of it, there were almost no women in the original trilogy, so Blakiston’s role was practically Hamlet compared to Brigitte Kahn as Toryn Farr, entire contribution: ‘Stand by ion control. Fire.’

Larry Mullen Jr, U2

Larry must hate the rest of the U2. For decades he’s sat there bashing away, while Bono meets Barack Obama and the Edge gets to play lead guitar. Even Adam Clayton shagged Naomi Campbell. We’ve all been there – you put the hours in, your boss gets the praise. Let’s face it, pulling Larry would be a cinch. All you’d have to do is buy him a pint, say ‘I see Bono’s being a twat again’ and watch the emotional floodgates open.

Pom Klementieff, Mantis, Guardians of the Galaxy 2

At some point you have to accept there’s a possibility you might not get married to Scarlett Johansson. And it’s not like you’ve seen Marvel stars Zoe Saldana or Elizabeth Olsen looking bored and in need of some company in your local pub. But what about stunning Mantis actress Pom Klementieff from Guardians of the Galaxy? Maybe she gets overlooked because she’s got antennae, but what’s so wrong about having sex with an insect? You’ve tried it before. And according to a random celebrity site on the internet, she’s single. Ask her out on Twitter now. It’s a done deal.

Les Dennis, The Laughter Show, etc.

Les isn’t most people’s top sexual fantasy, but ladies are in with a very strong chance thanks to his ritual humiliation at the hands of Amanda Holden. First she left him, then, thanks to the age gap, became a much bigger star you can’t f**king avoid these days. Hooking up with Les would be a piece of piss, unless he’s given up on relationships entirely, believing they all end in your ex showing off their arse in the Daily Mail every day just to spite you.

Blanche Ravalec, Dolly, Moonraker

The attractive French actress was in the regrettable space-based Bond film Moonraker, source of the physically painful double entendre ‘I think he’s attempting reentry, sir’. Lois Chiles’ Dr Holly Goodhead (make it stop) was the ‘official’ Bond girl while Dolly is relegated to Jaws’ girlfriend and given comedy pigtails. What a downer after you’ve told everyone you’re in a Bond film. Plus you could get in her good books by pointing out she was famous again thanks to the crackpot paranormal theory the Mandela Effect. What woman wouldn’t be delighted?

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Who the f**k are Posh and Becks? A guide for Gen Z

A WHOLE generation has come of age since Posh and Becks were culturally relevant. Here’s how to explain to Zoomers who they are.

He was great and shit at football

David Beckham would be the first to admit that he couldn’t tackle, quickly crumbled under pressure and wasn’t great at receiving the ball. But by God he could f**king pass. And back in the late Nineties that’s all anyone watched football for, the thrill of watching him punt a ball down the pitch. The final score didn’t matter and was just a hollow sideshow to the main event of passing.

She was technically in the Spice Girls

You know the Spice Girls. They’re the band your mum listens to when she’s had a few gins and wants to remember what her life was like before you came along and ruined everything. Victoria Beckham was technically in it, but you’ll have to listen hard to make her out because she was wisely buried in the mix. Even tone-deaf Geri Halliwell was given more prominence because she wore a flag.

They were the Harry and Meghan of their day

Every generation needs a couple for the tabloids to relentlessly demonise. And before the papers turned their baleful gaze towards Harry and Meghan, they were busy making Posh and Becks personae non gratae. All because he got a red card for lightly tapping Diego Simeone and she allegedly got cheated on. Sounds quaint and old-fashioned now but this was back when Tamagotchis were cutting-edge technology.

Everyone thought they were a bit dim

Thanks to several media gaffes, the public was encouraged to turn on Posh and Becks for the unforgivable crime of looking a bit stupid. Admittedly revealing your partner’s nickname on Parkinson (‘Goldenballs’, which just makes you think of Jasper Carrot) wasn’t the wisest move, but they were too busy raking in millions and now don’t have to work another day in their lives. Not bad for a pair of idiots.

They have a son your age who thinks he can do things

The Beckham dynasty continues to this day with their litter of ridiculously-named children. Their eldest, Brooklyn, displays typical Zoomer arrogance by snapping awful pictures, pairing them with meaningless captions and calling himself a photographer. Having conquered this artistic field, he now pretends to be a chef by showing people how to make a bacon sandwich. And so the cycle of hate continues, very justifiably when you consider the unneeded thousands of dollars he must have been paid for your worst hangover cooking.