A migrant hurricane is very similar to a Sharknado, Braverman explains

THE home secretary has explained that a migrant hurricane is very similar to a classic Sharknado but even more deadly.

Suella Braverman told the Conservative Party Conference that millions of rapacious migrants, each capable of stripping an ordinary British taxpayer to the bone in seconds, are being carried to the UK by strong winds.

She said: “The hurricane – caused by not burning enough fossil fuel – sweeps low over countries of undesirables, picking up tens of thousands. Then it heads here.

“Hurricanes of migrants, their outward surfaces just a sea of grasping hands, will hit the Home Counties taking everything they touch, from houses to jewellery to medical care, leaving behind nothing but bare, blighted earth.

“It will be identical to the Sharknados familiar from television, but instead of innocent, loveable sharks these are weather events packed with the worst scum of the earth: foreigners.

“Do you want to walk down the street and find the sandwich snatched from your hands, the shirt from your back, your shoes and phone and wallet and car keys all grabbed by a hurricane with hands? No? Then vote Conservative.”

Attendee Martin Bishop said: “Finally, a politician who’s not afraid to tell the truth.”

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Girlfriend already knows what she'll say about partner's sexual performance when they split up

A GIRLFRIEND has a clear outline of what she will say about her boyfriend’s lovemaking skills when the relationship ends. 

Charlotte Phelps has compiled a detailed mental list of criticisms, quirks, kinks and amusing anecdotes about Tom Logan’s behaviour in bed, with which she will one day regale friends, family and future sexual partners. 

Phelps said: “I’d never share gossip now and embarrass Tom. That’s for after we’ve broken up. His poor sexual performance will be the final straw that makes my friends say ‘Better off without him’, which is handy.

“Also, I can’t wait to share him trying to be all Christian Grey in the bedroom, despite being a lowly office drone who’s scared of getting told off by his mum. I’ll really enjoy the attention while I make everyone laugh at his expense, and where’s the harm in that?

“It’s empowering too – I’ve gained a really good understanding of what I don’t like in bed from dating Tom and that will help me have an excellent sex life in future.

“And Tom’s sexual disasters will make future boyfriends feel better about themselves. We’ll probably howl about it in bed, leading to great sex while Tom lies alone feeling sick at the thought of me having sex with someone else.”

Logan said: “I think Charlotte and I really connect on a sexual level. It’s all about trust.”