15-minute cities rebranded 'It-was-better-in-my-day' towns to appeal to gammons

THE concept of ‘15-minute cities’ is being given a new name to appeal to people with an insufferably rose-tinted view of the past.

Boomers and Brexiters, who drone on about traditional high streets, were expected to be thrilled by the idea of having all their amenities on their doorstep, but instead are apoplectic with rage.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It’s confusing. The people most opposed to 15-minute cities are also the people who post nostalgic memes on Facebook about going to the corner shop to buy a ha’penny worth of chocolate limes, or some other vile olden days thing.

“So the solution we’ve come up with is to rename the 15-minute cities idea and relaunch it with adverts featuring polite and cheerful white people buying milk in glass bottles from other white people. 

“You know, the sort of nostalgic bollocks they lap up even though it was never actually like that in the first place.

“Basically we’ll suggest it’s like doing your shopping in a war film, but without rationing. We’ll make a big deal of saying you can buy Spam, because they claim to adore Spam fritters despite not having eaten them for 40 years, if ever.”

Roy Hobbs, 63, said: “Yes, I’d like to live in a civilised place like that. If they can also have public floggings and hangings in the town square it’ll be perfect.”

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Seven alien characters who are improbably sexually attractive

ALIEN life forms could be silicon-based, impossibly vast, or AI. It is statistically improbable we would find them attractive, which did not trouble the creators of these sci-fi babes: 

Vina, Star Trek

No rigid carapace, hundred of eyes, or translucent blobs with visible internal organs for Vina – instead a hot 60s chick painted green. Vina, the original sexy alien, wasn’t actually a love interest of Kirk. He was off f**king a giant space earwig.

The Man Who Fell to Earth

An alien you wouldn’t kick out of bed due to his resemblance to prime 70s Bowie. He’s a bit detached and emotionally distant, but no more so than a man living on milk and cocaine in Los Angeles as Bowie was at this point. Severely addicted to alcohol and TV, which is relatable.

Hera Syndulla, Star Wars

Another sexy green alien, albeit with large fleshy tentacles protruding from her head. Would they be off-putting? Could you incorporate them in your loveplay? Something to think about while watching the painfully dull Ahsoka. You don’t look at the octopus when you’re poking the fire, eh?

Doctor Who

We all want to have sex with David Tennant, but regeneration is a obvious problem. If he’s Christopher Eccleston, Matt Smith or Tom Baker you can work with it, but if the Doctor turns into a geriatric or an annoying Northern woman? What if the next Doctor after a black gay man is Nigel Farage, for balance? You’d be reappraising Sylvester McCoy’s era.

Jadzia Dax, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

Winner of the Didn’t Bother prize for making Dax look alien, with cursory brown freckling on her forehead and neck. As if the creators realised attractive actress Terry Farrell would be an instant hit with sexually barren Trekkies and couldn’t be arsed gluing crap to her head for once.

Darth Maul, Star Wars

If you can get over body modifications and face tattoos, which it seems many can, Maul isn’t bad-looking and in great physical shape. He’s doing well as a Sith and has his own spaceship. If he hadn’t been chopped in half and the half with the genitals wasn’t lost, he’d be perfect for Love Island. 

Diana, V

The sole issue with gorgeous, evil Diana is that she’s a hideous alien reptile underneath her fake human skin. What, three days a week she wears the skin suit, then four days a week she’s a reptile unhinging her jaw to eat a live rat? Relationships are about compromise.