Johnson planning one last farewell scandal

BORIS Johnson is planning one last epic scandal to shock and disgust the nation before leaving Number 10, it has emerged.

While appearing to have been holidaying for the last few weeks, the prime minister has been busily working on a climactic outrage that will act as a crowning achievement and grotesque metaphor for his time in power.

A Downing Street spokesperson said: “This is the finale of Boris’s idiotic career, so expect something big. There’ll be nods to his previous f**k-ups to keep longtime fans happy, plus gratuitous titillation and massive explosions to appeal to the masses.

“In comparison his previous scandals will seem trivial. Future historians will look at Partygate, Chris Pincher, lying to the Queen and unlawfully proroguing parliament, shacking up with Jennifer Arcuri and the Owen Paterson affair as the works of an amateur still honing his craft. It’ll even eclipse the Cameron pig story.

“Obviously I can’t give anything away, but let’s just say you won’t be able to look at garden gnomes in the same way again. When the first shipping container of coked-up nuns is found in Dover, you’ll know it’s begun.”

Carrie Johnson added: “I’m going to be impregnated with octuplets to distract from this one.”

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Entirely unique woman drinks beer and has male friends

A WOMAN has made waves across her social scene with her sheer distinctiveness by doing activities normally associated with the opposite sex. 

Drinkers in a Wetherby pub had assumed that Lauren Hewitt, aged 27, would be interested in ponies, glitter and wallpaper like any normal girl when she shocked them by ordering a big old pint of beer.

She said: “It’s tough being misunderstood. Men assume I’m a typical boring woman into jewellery and rom-coms, but actually I’ve seen every movie in the Terminator franchise and have informed opinions about them.

“Yes, I could wear heels and a sparkly dress, but actually I frequently wear jeans, trainers and even a Radiohead T-shirt. Sorry if that’s blowing your normie minds.

“To me girly-girl stuff is stupid. I love a massive burger, I’ve attended a football match and I prefer a pub crawl with my mates Ali and Shaun to clothes shopping. Deal with it, bitches.

“Apparently some women are saying I’m exaggerating my quirky, stereotype-defying love of traditionally male interests. They can’t understand my balls-out feminism because all girls are catty, bitchy drama queens.”

Pub regular Julian Cook said: “Yeah she does look a bit like a bloke as well.”