Six pathetic lies freaks tell for attention

TELL a lie big enough and people will believe it, Goebbels said, but if you tell a small, pathetic lie nobody will even bother to check. Like these: 

‘My dad taught Bonehead from Oasis to drive’ 

For those unversed in the minutae of 90s bands, Bonehead was one of the people who didn’t matter in Oasis. Nobody knows whether he could play guitar, let alone drive. Is your dad a driving instructor? No? How did it happen then? Actually, who cares?

‘I had trials for Swindon Town’ 

The perfect attention-seeking lie has a little bit of pathos. Swindon Town? Who’d lie about that? Add to this the fact that all kids are basically the same at football and it’s at once believable and effortlessly dismissable.

‘My uncle worked for Nintendo’ 

A classic 90s lie, but if told today puzzling. So what? They don’t let the bloke booking meeting rooms in Coventry playtest Donkey Konga. Variations include ‘my uncle was a roadie for Iron Maiden’ and ‘my uncle beat Frank Bruno as an amateur’. Again, so what?

‘I moved school after getting in a fight with a teacher’ 

No, you moved school because you called Mrs Muir ‘mum’ and then when she laughed along with everyone else you shouted ‘stop it, mum!’ then cried.

‘They named the Severn Bridge after how many German fighter pilots my grandad shot down’ 

Requires, just for openers, illiteracy. Also, there were pilots who shot down far more so what made your granddad special? And why wouldn’t they name it after him? Additionally, f**k off with your f**king bullshit.

‘I used to go out with Emilia Clarke and/or Tom Hardy’

Did you? Oh right. It’s just that you grew up in a completely different place and also you have a face like a bag of smashed crabs.

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Wetherspoons at risk of surviving rise in energy bills

WETHERSPOONS pubs are at risk of being the only survivors of a 300 per cent rise in energy bills, experts have warned. 

All proper pubs are expected to close, leaving the Brexiter-owned chain with shit carpets, no music and impossibly distant toilets as the dominant watering hole of the whole country.

Nathan Muir, landlord of the independent Golden Lion, said: “Why isn’t the government doing something? Surely they can set a cap on how many pints of dog-piss lager come gushing out of their aggressively staffed taps.

“Unlike pubs which aren’t run by a notorious twat, Wetherspoons will cut whatever arsehole corner necessary. Last crisis they told their staff to f**k off and get jobs at Tesco, and they came out of that fine.

“Wetherspoons are cheap, warm and you can sit in there all day. They’re tailor-made to get through this. But the defining British experience of getting shitfaced in the pub will be demeaned forever.

“No more darts, or jukeboxes, or quiz nights, or saloon bars, or flirting with the barman, or old blokes pouring their dog a saucer of mild. Just an app ordering a pitcher of Hawaiian Pipeline Punch slamming down on a human face forever.”

Wetherspoons regular Wayne Hayes said: “Everyone should be a divorced, jobless, daytime drinker living in a bedsit like me. That’s why I voted Boris and Brexit.”