Anodyne statements by boring actress massive threat to monarchy

THE British monarchy, which has survived almost 1,000 years of beheadings, revolts and wars, is in crisis after anodyne statements by a boring actress. 

The supposedly impregnable institution is thought to be teetering on the edge of collapse after a woman who married into it gave an interview to a magazine.

Royalist Margaret Gerving said: “We could get past Charles I being executed and Henry VIII splitting with the Catholic church. But a podcast?

“Vague, self-serving therapy-speak by a rich Californian who’s not really Royal anymore, whose children could only rise to the throne if the events of King Ralph were to take place in real life? The Queen might as well pack her bags and leave Balmoral today.

“The monarchy cannot withstand revelations like ‘it takes a lot of effort to forgive’ or ‘we were upsetting the dynamic of the hierarchy by existing’. Compared to those bombshells, Edward VIII’s abdication is a mere storm in a teacup.

“Meghan’s got an interview with Mariah Carey dropping on Spotify later today. I expect the impact of that to be seismic. By the end of the day cheering crowds will be waving Charles’s severed head on the balcony of Buck House and Britain will be a republic.”

The Queen said: “Meghan? Now which one is she? I’ve got lots of grandchildren and I’m 96 years old.”

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Man has audacity to keep looking at phone when wife has put hers down

A WOMAN is annoyed that her partner is ignoring her and staring at his phone when she put hers down 30 seconds ago. 

Charlotte Phelps, aged 35, laid her phone on the table after an hour playing The Sims only to discover that husband Stephen was not ready and waiting for her company but was instead absorbed in his own device.

She said: “It’s a sad indictment of modern relationships in my view. Here I am, living life free of the shackles of technology, and he’s chained to his digital crutch.

“And he’s completely oblivious to me glaring at him. He honestly doesn’t know I’m in the room. I’m not sure when he came in but he’s completely blanked me for however long it was.

“I worry about his addiction, I really do. What’s so fascinating about that phone that it outweighs a real, flesh-and-blood woman who loves him? It can’t be Tiktok because he’s not even on that, even though I share all the best ones with him.

“Sure, I use my phone. I play the odd game, I browse Instagram, I see what everyone’s up to on Facebook and the local community group, I check out auctions near me and Rightmove. But I’m able to put it down so we can watch TV together. If he can’t that’s sad.”

Stephen Phelps said: “Oh, has she finished? F**king finally.”