Jonathan Gullis returning to earlier career as a monkey

NOW he is no longer the MP for Stoke-on-Trent North, former teacher and monkey Jonathan Gullis has confirmed he will return to his zoological career.

Already entertaining offers from leading UK zoos, Gullis intends to continue educating the public in primate behaviour such as scratching intimate areas and urinating on himself.

He said: “After being deputy Conservative chairman, I can’t say I’ll be sorry to get back to the old tyre on a rope and handling my own faeces with a look of bemused wonderment.

“Parliament’s brought a new braying edge to my grunting and screeching, GB News is for subhumans not by them, and I could return to teaching but honestly I’d prefer the zoo. Any teacher would. 

“By picking fleas from an alpha’s fur I can make more of a positive contribution to society. Nobody in Stoke would do it for me. They’re so la-di-f**king-dah up there.” 

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Truss, Shapps, Mordaunt: which loss did you climax to?

WATCHING a parade of Tory big names losing their seat has been a sensual and visceral pleasure. But which one really moved the earth for you?

Grant Shapps, 3.09am

Shapps has been various ministers and various people and left a trail of blight in a haze of stupidity. His rodent-like face has been around for so long that you were glad to see him go, but it was merely filed in the wank bank.

Penny Mordaunt, 4.08am

Now we’re bloody talking. This magnificent sword-hefting lake-diving valkyrie stripped of a majority? Hello, engorgement. Still, will she be hot outside Parliament or was it only compared to her unprepossessing colleagues? Does losing subtract from her allure? She’ll be on Strictly by autumn anyway.

Thérèse Coffey, 4.23am

Truss’s mate, which is enough to get you going, with somewhat retrograde views on the gay community that make it a physical pleasure to see her out. Losing Suffolk Coastal has you excited, then you remember her bellowing along to I’ve Had The Time Of My Life and the blood down there withdraws in horror.

Jacob Rees-Mogg, 4.58am

He’ll always be the entitle streak of giraffe urine who reclined in the Commons because he couldn’t be arsed with a debate, so the sight of the spoilt boy losing the only thing he ever wanted has you properly edging. The sheer schadenfreude of him trying his little hardest not to call out for Nanny, oh you’re so nearly there.

Liz Truss, 6.48am

This is why you waited. The bobblehead cretin, the mortgage-inflater, losing her ultra-safe Norfolk seat? Everyone waiting for her on stage as she struggled to make it make sense? Banished to the Phantom Zone like General Zod? An explosion of orgasmic delight. And all before breakfast.

Steve Baker, 7.37am

Lying there aglow, results barely registering, and there he is. The self-style Spartan, the ‘hard man of Brexit’ kicked out of Wycombe. He says he’s going to be ‘skydiving, motorcycling, fast catamaran sailing’ but he isn’t. He’s going to be spending long, lonely, miserable days doing what you’ve just been doing. That’s hot.