Everyone at work hiding good mood from boss

EVERY employee in Britain is whistling and smiling until their thunder-faced bosses stalk past, it has emerged. 

Junior workers across the UK are grinning spontaneously and giggling ‘he quoted Chitty Chitty Bang Bang for f**k’s sake’ before stiffening up and falling silent when the angry tread of a capital gains taxpayer is heard.

Marketing executive Jack Browne said: “Greatest night of my – where is she? In her office? – bloody life.

“Rocked up to the office, four hours sleep, high-fived the security team, danced down the corridor singing Lily Allen’s F**k You, then froze as I heard the unmistakable sound of Kayleigh getting a full-on incensed my-side-lost bollocking.

“So I’ve spent the morning feigning a restrained expression of mourning, struggling to comprehend the scale of my loss like I’m Akshata Murthy in dazzle camo, until the boss pisses off. Then we do Penny Mordaunt impressions.”

Colleague Jo Kramer said: “We’re high as kites one minute then sober and stone-faced the next. It’s like when me and my sister did MDMA while sharing a static caravan with our granny.”

Boss Carolyn Ryan said: “Starmer and co will bring in all kinds of new employment laws. I need to get firing pronto.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Big beasts replaced by big twat

THE big beasts of the Conservative party have been driven out and replaced with a big twat with four whole seats, it has emerged.

Last night saw previously powerful politicians unseated to be replaced in the right-wing media’s affections by the UK’s premier name in pint-guzzling twattery, Nigel Farage.

Donna Sheridan from Exeter said: “I guess even new dawns of democracy come with openly racist, immigrant-hating linings.

“Is one super-sized twat better or worse than a herd of twats of slightly lower calibre? Does his being in parliament make much difference to his decades of small-screen dominance? Is it cosmic balance because we lost George Galloway?”

Ryan Whittaker of Wrexham said: “I liked all my little Portillo moments, and I’m looking forward to about five days time when it finally sinks in for Truss, but I had my fingers crossed for more.

“It’s hard to feel overjoyed when the grim spectre of Jeremy Hunt still lingers over the country and then there’s Farage. We’ve exchanged the big beasts for the Godzilla of twats.”

The leader of Reform UK, previously the Brexit Party, previously UKIP, briefly but not officially the Anti-Vax and Lockdown Party, said: “There’s four of us like the Beatles, and they conquered the world.”