'But I don't really work as a concept outside the Commons,' says Rees-Mogg

JACOB Rees-Mogg has confessed that, without a seat in Parliament, he is just some kind of Edwardian cosplay dickhead. 

The former member for North East Somerset believes that if he attempts to ride a penny-farthing or insist gentlemen address one other as ‘esquire’ in a non-political job then colleagues will simply laugh at him.

He continued: “The irony of dressing up as a patrician prick from a previous generation only really works when you’re in power.

“It reached its greatest expression when I was energy secretary and attempted to return the British Isles to the gas-lamp standard, but even as a backbencher my whole look worked beautifully. But what of today?

“I fear the urchins will jeer, the proletarians will snigger, and those who truly appreciated my juxtaposition of Edwardian and contemporary will no longer care, for only Telegraph leader writers truly understood me.

“What now for Rees-Mogg? Must I abandon my signature look, don a tracksuit and gold chains and begin hanging around car parks in Essex, looking to curry favour with the boy racers?”

He added: “It is at times such as these I regret naming a son Sextus.”

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Centrist dads suffering life-threatening erections

SENSIBLE centrist fathers are being rushed to A&E with cases of 11-hour election-induced priapism, it has emerged. 

Middle-aged men with mortgages have seen the Conservatives destroyed, Penny Mordaunt cast down into the gutter and the Lib Dems resurgent and found themselves thoroughly and lastingly aroused.

Doctor Helen Archer said: “We know exactly which ones they are as soon as they come in. You can see it through their lycra cycling gear.

“For most it began with the exit poll, when they looked down to find themselves hugely tumescent seemingly without stimulus. As their diamond-hard dicks refused to diminish they were banished from the bed by their wives.

“The all-night election coverage only made it throb even more, especially when Carol Vorderman was on Channel 4 and by 5am, when Labour were confirmed as winners, they recognised this wasn’t going to go away without medical intervention.”

Father and Kia Sportage driver Martin Bishop said: “What if it doesn’t go down for a generation? I’m light-headed over here. I can’t spend the whole five years in the shed.”