Let's forget about all those 'Vote Leave' signs in fields, eh? By a farmer

By Norman Steele

WE farmers are left with no choice but to protest at cheap, low-quality imports threatening our livelihoods. We’ve done absolutely nothing to deserve it, except that thing in 2016.

But I’m not here to talk about Nexit or Qexit or whatever it was, I really can’t remember. I’m here to highlight the influx of cheap food from abroad. I hate abroad and I’d do anything to make foreigners f**k off. But that’s not relevant to this discussion.

I’m the first to admit that in 2016 some farmers may have given a small amount of tentative support to a slight distancing of Britain from Europe. I myself put up a handful of tiny 10ft-high ‘Vote Leave’ signs in just 15 strategic locations around my farm. But it was obviously just a suggestion.

There was no way we could have predicted a government full of habitual liars and anti-regulation nutters would abandon us to the free market. When Jacob Rees-Mogg said goods would be cheaper, we assumed he meant through a Soviet Russia-style command economy with rigid price controls and massive state subsidies.

And now my replacement subsidies from the UK government are confusing and inadequate. I don’t understand how Boris Johnson failed to sort them out, with his passion for hard work and detail.

Even if a few British farmers voted to leave the EU, we did it for the right reasons: more money for us. And as patriots we didn’t want our nation to be overrun by foreigners, except when we need cheap labour and can charge them for living in a shitty caravan on-site.

So this is why we were forced to emulate French farmers. You’ve got to admire their willingness to kick up a fuss, something I only do when I see elderly ramblers on my land and scream foul-mouthed abuse at them like a dangerous madman.

Our brilliant strategy was to bring traffic in Central London to a standstill. This cannot fail because the Tories will instantly cave rather than make life hard for ordinary people, who they care deeply about. So don’t you townies dare call us a bunch of thick, inbred yokels who voted for Brexit.

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Cool vegetarian still eats meat when pissed

A VEGETARIAN who keeps it real still eats kebabs and burgers after a few pints, he has confirmed.

Chill herbivore Tom Booker is militant about his plant-based diet during the day, but is known to bend the rules when he is drunk, it is 3am, everyone else is eating meat anyway and it does not matter.

He said: “Sober? It’s all Quorn fillets and tofu curries. I wouldn’t touch meat and if you want a lecture about the cruelty of factory farming, hit me up. I can freestyle that shit straight off the dome.

“But on a night out, after a few drinks, when everyone else is staggering through the doors of Kebaba O’Riley’s? I’m down for shredded lamb in a toasted pitta, because it’s delicious.

“If anyone calls out my hypocrisy, I shoot them a wink and tell them I’m a social carnivore. That defuses the tension, we have a big old hammered laugh about it and I order a slice of pizza with bacon on.

“Uptight veggies look on in horror. But while they’re scowling over their soy, me and the cool kids slink off to enjoy some succulent processed animal flesh down a back alley. They wish they could be us.”

He added: “Doesn’t stop me from giving pescatarians shit though. Those phoney pricks should lay off the fish and stop sullying our good name.”