Workplace safety assessment finds main hazard being around twats all day

WORKPLACE safety assessments are finding that the main occupational hazard facing Britons is being around twats all day.

Factors such as noise, stress, long days and dangerous conditions are all minor compared to the risk of spending up to 40 hours a week in the company of total arseholes, it has emerged.

Mary Fisher, of the Health and Safety Executive, said: “You can set up your monitor at eye level, you can get your chair adjusted, you can lift heavy objects by bending at the knee. It won’t make any difference if you’re surrounded by knobheads.

“You get a headache and back pain by 1pm every day because you have to listen to idiots standing in the kitchen blathering on about whatever idiot shit they did this weekend. Some of them have the temerity to be your boss.

“Rip asbestos out with your teeth, type a 100,000 report with your nose an inch from the screen, lick receipt paper, stick your arm in a wood chipper – none of it is anywhere near as damaging as close proximity to a bellend who calls Friday ‘Fri-yay’.

“Even working from home means incessant emails and Zoom meetings with wankers promising to download the latest key learnings. You’ll never reach retirement.”

Marketing manager Helen Archer said: “On the other hand I am a twat, and I find inflicting that on everyone else intensely relaxing.”

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Meghan and Harry: is there any way we can blame them?

AN anguished nation, shocked that both King Charles and the Princess of Wales are battling cancer, is searching for any way to blame Harry and Meghan. 

The exiled Duke and Duchess of Sussex would seem, on the surface, to bear no responsibility for the medical conditions of Britain’s most beloved Royals. The abhorrent toxicity of their presence is 5,500 miles away.

But that is mere science. And what every Briton knows in their heart is that when disaster strikes and the unthinkable happens that they did it. It’s all their fault.

It is natural, in these early days, not to know exactly how. We’re still too stunned to see clearly into the cloud of their malevolence and pick out the culpable acts, which is what they’re counting on.

Could the launch of Meghan’s lifestyle brand be responsible? Or their new website,, besmirching the name of an entire county? Was it Harry’s arrogant refusal to hand over his HRH title that caused those rogue cells?

Or was it more direct? Voodoo, perhaps, which goes hand-in-skeletal-hand with their Californian wellness? An oungan paid millions to stick pins in dolls and send a nation into crisis?

Was it radiation? A network of low-earth-orbit satellites beaming down targeted gamma rays at the behest of friend of the Sussexes Xi Jinping? To destroy the monarch and with it, the West?

Right now we’re still searching for answers. But within a fortnight, our doubts will harden to certainty. It was them, the bastards.