WORKPLACE safety assessments are finding that the main occupational hazard facing Britons is being around twats all day.
Factors such as noise, stress, long days and dangerous conditions are all minor compared to the risk of spending up to 40 hours a week in the company of total arseholes, it has emerged.
Mary Fisher, of the Health and Safety Executive, said: “You can set up your monitor at eye level, you can get your chair adjusted, you can lift heavy objects by bending at the knee. It won’t make any difference if you’re surrounded by knobheads.
“You get a headache and back pain by 1pm every day because you have to listen to idiots standing in the kitchen blathering on about whatever idiot shit they did this weekend. Some of them have the temerity to be your boss.
“Rip asbestos out with your teeth, type a 100,000 report with your nose an inch from the screen, lick receipt paper, stick your arm in a wood chipper – none of it is anywhere near as damaging as close proximity to a bellend who calls Friday ‘Fri-yay’.
“Even working from home means incessant emails and Zoom meetings with wankers promising to download the latest key learnings. You’ll never reach retirement.”
Marketing manager Helen Archer said: “On the other hand I am a twat, and I find inflicting that on everyone else intensely relaxing.”
