Lib Dems bounce back to f**king everything up

AFTER years of languishing in obscurity, the Liberal Democrats have returned to mess up politics like they did last time.

Snatching Somerton and Frome from the Tories in last night’s by-election is only the beginning for the party, who intend to fragment the opposition, force people to vote tactically, then prop up total bastards if it gives them the illusion of power.

Party leader Sir Ed Davey said: “We’ve gone from being hated by students to being the second or third choice among Guardian readers. God it feels good to be back.

“Remember the heyday of the 2010 coalition? You all despised us at the time, but compared to a pure Tory government it wasn’t so bad, was it? Just think, the halcyon days of reneged promises and the pasty tax might come round again.

“We couldn’t have returned at a worse time, either. The two main parties are failing to differentiate themselves from one another, and we’re contributing nothing by draining their support. We’re essentially a more progressive UKIP.”

Liberal Democrat voter Martin Bishop said: “Ed Davey? I thought Jo Swinson was in charge? And what happened to that weird Christian guy?

“No matter, all we need to do now is get another 100+ MPs instantly, which has never happened, and we’re back in the game.”

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And that's how we clung onto power in 92, say Tories

A DELIGHTED Tory party has been reminded by a narrow win and a Labour-Lib Dem split of how they clung onto power back in 1992.

Thrilled Conservatives are remembering how, more than three decades ago in the middle of a recession and led by a charisma-free prime minister, they scraped an election win and kept themselves in power for another five dreadful years.

Party chairman Greg Hands said: “Massively unpopular? Yes. Bollocksed the economy? Yes. But Uxbridge shows the way.

“Voters are a gullible, credulous lot. We’ll fight on local issues, half of which we’ve made up, half of which blame our own policies on the opposition, and all of which are easily disproven lies. And we’ll win.

“Another half-decade in power without any policies except disastrous privatisations? Beset by scandal on every side? At war with ourselves while Britain goes to shit? Don’t mind if we f**king do.

“We’d almost forgotten, in our disarray, that this country votes Tory by default. We’ll cling onto power even if it ruins us and everything else. The 90s revival is on.”

Ordinary voter Jim Bates said: “The man said if Labour win they’ll come to our houses and take our cars. I need my car for work.”