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Oppenheimer then Barbie back-to-back will be great, say ironic hipster twats

A GROUP of snarky wankers have announced they will be seeing Oppenheimer and Barbie as a double bill to prove how quirky they are.

Julian Cook and friends got the zany idea of seeing the two deeply contrasting films from a joke on Twitter repeated literally thousands of times. Being twats, they then decided to enact the moderately amusing gag for real. 

Cook said: “D’you get it? D’you get how mad are we? We’re going to post about it on Instagram, and everyone’s going to lose their minds. The people working at the cinema will never have seen anything like it. 

“One is a big-budget blockbuster about nuclear bombs and the other is a big-budget blockbuster full of knowing jokes for adults. I don’t think normies can wrap their heads around us doing something this wild.

“I love Christopher Nolan – Inception is literally the greatest work of art in human history. Also my girlfriend Tallulah likes Cillian Murphy and I’ve wanked over Margot Robbie a lot, so both films are bound to be good.

“There’s no danger a double bill will ruin both of them because we’ll be watching Robert Oppenheimer struggle with the moral horror of being responsible for Hiroshima while knowing we’re about to see Barbie and Ken driving around in a pink car.

“I’ll probably post a selfie with a caption pretending to confuse the two, for example: ‘This Barbie film about the atom bomb is a bit depressing!’ Nobody else will have thought of that.”

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'Is there consciousness after death?': How to take small talk with your barber to the next level

HALF an hour at the barber’s can feel like an eternity when you have to fill the time with shit small talk. Here are some conversation starters to take things up a gear.

Is there consciousness after death?

F**k it. Get heavy straight off the bat. Show your barber you’re not messing about by questioning whether death truly is the end before he’s even got the clippers out. Move onto questions of eschatology while he’s doing round your ears. There’s no going back to mindless holiday chat once you’ve rolled out these big guns.

What is love?

Add a new, intimate dynamic to the conversation by discussing the apex of human connection. Don’t be afraid to make lots of intense eye contact via the mirror so that he knows he can be open and vulnerable with you. It might get a bit weird, but it beats blathering on about how warm it’s been recently.

Are you happy with your life?

Another great way to avoid mind-numbing prattle is by sending your barber into an existential crisis. Nobody wants to talk about last night’s match while they’re taking a harrowing look back upon their many failures and regrets.  

Which political party do you support and which god do you believe in?

If you want to have a real, grown-up conversation with your barber, you’ll need to know what he believes in. Just ask outright for his religious and political views. Assuming they align perfectly with your own, there’s virtually nothing that could go wrong.

Who shot JFK?

Everyone loves a mystery – and the assassination of President Kennedy is one of the best. You’ll still be debating the possibility of a second gunman on the grassy knoll by the time you’re saying your goodbyes and wondering how long it will take to grow back after he cut it slightly shorter than you’d really have liked.

Will you come on holiday with me?

Why get rid of the cliched chit-chat when you can subvert it instead? The next time your barber asks if you’ve got any holidays planned, tell him you’re going to Majorca with your family and that you’d love for him to join you as guest of honour. Goodbye small talk. Hello new best friend.

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