Lies-per-minute record absoutely smashed

THE UK’s lies-per-minute record has been absolutely shattered by this morning’s farewell speech by Boris Johnson. 

The departing prime minister, who had been served a lovely fat breakfast on a tray by Michael Gove, emerged from Downing Street for the last time to breeze past the record and take political lying to new heights.

Attendee Julian Cook said: “He started slowly, with a bitter aside about changing the rules of the relay race that almost acknowledged objective reality. Then he kicked the f**k off.

“After his traditional Brexit-vaccine-Ukraine opener he seemed to spur himself to greater and greater heights. Police, nurses, hospitals, each brazen lie was topped by an even bigger one.

“By the midpoint, where he was promising a new nuclear reactor every week each served by its own high-speed railway, there wasn’t a lie he couldn’t tell. There was a new high-tech company springing up everywhere the nutter looked.

“It came crashing down when he flashed back to being on his space hopper, after which he slowed the frantic pace and finished with gentle, comforting lies about the strength of the union and the enduring friendship of dog and cat.

“What an incredible, epochal liar he was to the very last. We shall not see his like again. Though she’ll have a go.”

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Truss pledges to look competent in comparison

NEW prime minister Liz Truss has promised Britain to look competent by comparison to her predecessor. 

After being democratically elected by a small number of Southern pensioners, Truss has assured the country that her predictably shambolic reign will be an exemplar of professionalism compared to Boris Johnson’s.

Speaking awkwardly, she continued: “I am aware of how both combs and irons work, and have not made igorance of them my personal brand. An improvement on day one.

“On the world stage, I have already been welcomed as both serious and capable by leaders who recall ‘that arschgeige Johnson’ when he was foreign secretary.

“While lowering taxes for the super-rich or taking the nation to war to distract from the economy, because that’s what Thatcher would do, I will not bumble, horse around or make jokes in Latin. I will conduct myself with the grace and warmth of at least Theresa May.

“My time in office will be a clear improvement on the reign of the blustering, mop-haired twat whose musk is currently being fumigated from Downing Street. It will, I promise, be fractionally less shit. That is my guarantee to you.”

Voter Helen Archer said: “She’s been in five minutes and she’s already lying.”