Magic money tree provides unexpected bumper crop

DESPITE apparently not existing, the magic money tree is set to cut UK energy bills by hundreds of pounds, it has emerged.

The sudden yield of £10 billion has come as a surprise to many because it was thought the fictional tree had been harvested to exhaustion due to the furlough scheme.

Magic money tree proprietor Rishi Sunak said: “As I went to bed last night I looked out the window and noticed there was barely a penny to be seen on its stunted, withered branches. It gave me nightmares.

“So imagine my delight when I woke up this morning and saw that its boughs were weighed down with a hefty crop of ten, 20, even 50 pound notes. I immediately ran out in my pyjamas to gather them in my picking basket.

“Now I can knock hundreds of pounds off winter energy bills, scrap that terrible £200 loan idea everyone hated, and salvage my tarnished public image. Everyone’s a winner.”

Sceptic Wayne Hayes said: “It’s not the existence of the magic money tree I have trouble believing. It’s the idea that this isn’t a distraction from the Sue Gray report which is clearly total bullshit.”

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'He's got away with it again!' say same people letting him get away with it

THE exact same people facilitating Boris Johnson’s escape from any kind of consequence are marvelling that he has escaped without consequences.

Conservative MPs are amazed that the greased piglet has once again slipped away scot-free, while standing with shiny hands next to an extra-large tub labelled ‘Piglet Grease’.

Susan Traherne, MP for Renfrewshire East, said: “Once again the consummate political survivor walks away from total disaster without a scratch. Hats off to him.

“No, I haven’t put in a letter of no confidence to the 1922 Committee. Why would I do that when he’s already proved it can’t stop him?”

Denys Finch Hatton, member for Waveney, agreed: “You can’t lay a finger on the man. That’s why I sat in silence behind him yesterday, even though I completely disagree with his actions.

“And the tabloid press just wave him by as if he’s done nothing at all, despite public anger. Did I tell them how I felt? Bloody hell no. I don’t want them laying into me.”

Voter Mary Fisher said: “Yep, he’s got away with it again. And I fully intend to vote for him again because it’s loveable.”