Man wanted liberal Conservative leader so he'd feel like less of a bastard for voting for them

A MAN has confirmed that he wanted a Tory candidate who supported net zero and trans rights so he would feels like less of a scumbag when he voted for them.

Martin Bishop is disappointed that Tom Tugendhat is out of the race as his ever-so-slightly centre-right policies would have been a balm for his guilt over voting Conservative in an election.

Bishop said: “Everyone knows that as soon as you earn a certain amount you vote Tory because they help you keep hold of your money rather than paying for other people’s hip replacements.

“Or you might be a mean-spirited individual like me who really resents people on benefits getting free money, even if it works out at a pitiful 15 quid a week to feed two kids.

“But that doesn’t mean I don’t still have a conscience, or at least want to look like I have a conscience. And that’s why I liked Tugendhat’s slightly less hardline psychopathic approach to politics.

“Now we’re left with Truss and Sunak, who are tainted by Boris Johnson, and Mordaunt. She initially seemed alright but was so instantly prepared to roll back her previous support for trans people it’s clear her soul is as pitch black as the rest of them.

“At least Badenoch’s out though. Voting for someone who was endorsed by Britain First is too much for me. Well, that’s what I tell people anyway.”

Your guide to f**king with internet algorithms

THEY harvest your data, sell it on and use your every click to advertise you stuff, all perfectly targeted. Until you f**k with them. Here’s how:  

Pretend you live in America

Filling in your home town on your social media profile? Instead of putting Northampton put Miles City, Montana. Not only will it feel thrillingly transgressive, you’ll get ads for spray-on cheese, assault rifles, fanny packs and exhortations to vote Hiram C Wafflebacker III for circuit court judge.

Lie about your age

When asked for your date of birth, pick one in the 1940s. Being bombarded with products and emails for incontinence aids, stairlifts and funeral plans is a great reminder of your mortality and stops you wasting cash on Lego.

Watch YouTube videos you hate

Instead of watching the latest blockbuster, spend a weekend absorbed in videos you couldn’t give a shit about. Pick a video about injection pump air compressors or a tutorial about the Sicilian Defence in chess. Watch the algorithms struggle to cope by bombarding you with ads for inflatable chess erotica.

Say random words while Siri or Alexa is switched on

We’ve all had the experience of talking about a Shetland pony then suddenly getting shitloads of adverts for Shetland ponies. Mess with them by dropping words like ‘halberd’, ‘taramasalata’ and ‘corduroy parachute’ into conversation. Amazon will lose money trying to sell your data to the Halberd Marketing Board and corduroyparachutes.com.

Buy stuff you don’t want

Amazon knows exactly what people want based on their previous purchases. Undermine them and f**k over Jeff Bezos by buying stuff you don’t want then flogging it on eBay. Sure, it’ll cost you, but it’ll be worth it to piss those all-knowing algorithms off.